Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Fluttering Wings

I wrote this late last night, just several hours ago in fact, and I'm tired and cranky this morning, so I decided to post the damn thing, and get on with my day doing something else.   It's at least one thing I can mark off my rather considerable list of things to do.  (As a post note to this post, I wake up this morning with a stupid Christmas song in my head by Paul McCartney singing, "A Wonderful Christmas Time."  I like the Beatles, but I don't really care for Paul McCartney by himself, so just another thing to add to my things that make me cranky list:

It's late, and I can't sleep.  It's been a kind of eventful day.  Not really because of busy-ness or anything.  Hell, I haven't gotten anything done.  Actually, my plans for the day kept getting put aside.  My mother (>.<) decided to get a burr up her rear about something having to do with her car, and I was pulled into it.  But that's not the reason I can't sleep, nor the eventful parts.

I've realized something about my mother.  She's sneaky.  We had a short little chat today, earlier this morning, and out comes some information from her, a decision I've been waiting years, (yes years), for her to make.  She mentioned it casually, almost in passing, and was moving onto another subject when I asked her to rewind a bit.  So she complied, and we talked about it a little more in depth, then moved on.  But not before I realized I'd been feeling it already, I just couldn't put my finger on what "it" was.  I just simply said to her, "Okay, now that makes sense."

A couple of hours later, I was taking her to get her car from the repair shop, when right before getting out of my vehicle she threw another bit of information my way.  It just kind of popped right out of her mouth, and then she gave me a wicked grin.  Yes, a wicked grin.  I'm sure she found the expression on my face amusing, because I'm almost positive it looked stunned, and I know my mouth hung open in shock.  Before I could ask her to repeat herself, she gave me a crooked grin and said, "You heard me right."  I told her I didn't want to hear it, and, honestly, I thought her grin couldn't get more wicked looking, but it did.  I told her it wasn't going to happen, and she began to say words, but I cut her off at the pass, put my fingers to my ears to close them off, and began childishly singing, "Lalalalalalala..."  She laughed and walked off to talk to the mechanic, and to pick up her car.  I backed up quickly, and hightailed it away from her.  But not before quietly calling her an asshole, (my gawd, I called my mother an asshole!), which had her cackling.  She cackled! 

Then later still my mother comes into the living room, and wants to talk.  I told her if it was regarding what she stated earlier, then she could forget it.  She just gave me a Mona Lisa kind of smile, all mysterious and whatnot, which made me feel like gnashing my teeth, and then told me it had to do with another subject.  I found I was bracing myself for some odd reason.  Then she threw a request out to me, and I didn't know what to think.  So I just said I'll go to this place she asked me to go, but that's all I was committing to.  I I was being manipulated.

Have you ever felt that before?  Oh, not the regular kind of manipulation from other folks.  This feels bigger.  Like the Universe has a hand in it somehow, and the Wiley Coyote of the Cosmos has just stepped in to have some fun.  And then there is also the feeling that everyone else has picked up on what the Universe is playing except me.  Like the joke's on me.  I suppose I could look at it like a surprise birthday party being planned, but it's not my birthday.

I began getting this feeling since morning...and as the day wore on, it just grew stronger.  Then tonight, as I'm sitting out on the porch, focusing on breathing, because I noticed my breath had gotten shallow, I see another falling star, and not 10 minutes later an owl comes screeching by, letting out it's cry 3 or 4 times as it flew over me, before disappearing into the night.  I got chills.  Not because I'm superstitious or anything.  Seriously.

All this today may be nothing.  And I'd gladly believe it was nothing, but for one gut tells me something is in the wind.  Hell, not only my gut, but my entire body is vibing!  Change is here.  This feels like it's gonna be kind of thrown at me, or I'm going to be thrown into it.  Which, now that I think about it, if God knows me at all, which I believe He does, then that is probably the only way I'd go with it.  Because when it affects me personally, like it's actually about me alone, as opposed to, say, for someone else, God knows I'd rather not think about it.  I'd rather not see it coming.  I don't want to know my own personal future quite honestly.  God and I both know I'll think about it too much and then spook.   


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