Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What You THINK You Know

I want you to
take a moment...
just a moment
and step back
from self
your self
and go over there
the other
what you consider
the other
what are their thoughts?
what are they feeling?
could it possibly
just possibly
be somewhat different
than what you think
they are thinking
and feeling?
open your mind
open your emotions
open your soul
and go
what if
they actually meant
what they said
that their WORD
was true
what would that do
to your world?
could it be
that all you think
you know
of them
is wrong?

God forbid.

What did I ever say
or do
that had you turn
against me?
at the facts
the facts
what was my crime
other than some
that entered
into your mind
and whispered
"She is your enemy."


Monday, August 29, 2011

Shimmering Pools

What is this sadness
that lingers?
It tugs
without much strength
like fingers of a child
grabbing hold
what it can
of my apron
And when I turn
to look down
into those pools
of loveliness
the color of the sea
shimmering with wetness
I remember
that I forgot
in my grown upness
what it is like
to play


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Peeling Off The Princess

When I look back over the past 50 years of my life, I am surprised. 

I have a memory of sitting down on a stool in front of the television, and watching the Oscar Awards for the very first time.  I think I was 6 years old, and I was captivated.  It was like a kind of magic to me, where a world of beauty existed, full of smiling faces, and what I thought to be love and abundance.  I felt a longing rise up in me...I wanted that to be my world.  As I sat watching the show, I made a decision that one day I would know that world, and perhaps stand on that stage, and know the love of the world.  From then on I began playing dress up.  In my mind I wore beautiful, flowy dresses, and wore my hair in an upsweep, decorated with lovely bows.  In my mind, everyone loved me, and thought I was beautiful. 

I entered the world of pretend.

I carried that dream for many years to come, not aware of what motivated it.  I only knew I wanted to be someone different.  My mother tells me she'd catch me sometimes, looking in the mirror at the image of myself, saying to it, "I hate you!"  Experts in child psychology say whatever is happening within a child will be manifested in play, and their relationship with self will be displayed in their treatment of dolls, or in their drawings.  I changed the appearance of every doll I ever had.  I cut their hair, marked their faces, and rarely treated them lovingly.  There was always something I wanted to change, never happy with the way they were.  My drawings reflected the emotions I had for my image in the mirror, dark, twisted, the characters malformed.  Then I'd tear them up and throw them away. 

Of course, now I understand the little girl that I was, and I know why she so desperately wanted away from herself, and the harsh reality she lived in.  Now, I understand what situations like sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment, etcetera, etcetera, do to the insides of a little person.  Not yet equipped to handle all that, much less be able to even articulate what's going on, I found the only creative way I knew to survive.  I entered a dream world where everything is lovely, bright and shiny, clean and perfect.  The unfortunate thing was I had people around me who inadvertantly fed that pretend self...seeming to like it better than the real thing.  And so, I carried that self to adulthood, which, now I understand is how ego, or the false self is born.

Yet... throughout my attempt to make my world, and myself, different than what it was, I'd have sudden flashes of awareness drop in, where I'd find myself mired in the earth as if I'd been suddenly dropped there from somewhere up above.  Here I was, a princess in my own mind, being dropped into a village with the "common folk," and worse yet, behaving like them!  I suspect those were the times I'd find myself standing in front of the mirror afterward, spewing hatred toward my image. 

How could I be so earthy?  How could I like climbing trees, going barefoot, chasing cows, playing in barns, running through orchards stealing apples, and sliding down fire escapes, not caring if my backside got black with soot?  How could I like laying on my tummy, planting my nose in the grass, curious as to what lived underneath the surface?  Or flopping over onto my back, staring up at the sky for hours on end, lost in it's ever changing beauty, and not giving a damn that I had grass stains from the endeavor.  How could I have this adventurous spirit, that didn't shy away from a challenge, even if it was deemed only fit for boys?  How could I like freeing my hair from it's perfect little "do," allowing the wind to blow through it, setting my unruly curls free, frizz be damned, not caring how it looked?  How could I love getting wet, standing in the rain, arms outstretched, calling down the lightning, daring it to strike me?

How could I be so sensuous?  Loving the touch, the scents, sounds, sights, and taste of this earthly existence?

So back up into my lonely little castle in the clouds I'd go, pretending to be something more...dignified, I guess.  Until one day I lost sight of that earthly creature, who became a stranger to me, the persona I'd created taking on a life of its own.  I couldn't understand why my world was so small, so filled with fear.  Why couldn't I feel my life anymore?  Why did I feel so disassociated, and isolated, with no sense of connection with anyone or anything?  Why did that "other" part of me seem so much like an enemy I needed to keep down?  Why did I feel like I was just one big ball of pain, and was weeping out of every pore of my body?  What the hell happened to me?  This wasn't the way it was supposed to be!  Instead of bright and shiny, perfect and clean, I found I only saw more filth and ugliness and drudgery I needed to get away from, hating my existence, and hating the world, but most of all, hating my very human-ness.  Every part of my being yearned to jump right out of my skin. I despaired.

And in answer to my despair came a Presence.  I don't fail to see the irony here, because at the same time I was living a life of pretense, I also began earnestly searching for the Truth.  I began to realize the world I was wanting, the world I saw on television long ago, was also a bunch of people playing dress up, living a life of pretend.  That truth came crashing into me one night after I finished singing for a crowd, and stepped off the stage only to hear several people say to me, while smiling I might add, "You would be such a fabulous singer if you only lost 20 pounds!"  Sure!  Because the sound of my lovely voice has everything to do with the way that I look!  Was there no real escape from this human existence of ugliness?  At the time, God was a huge no go for me, because I perceived Him to be too judgmental and punishing for my liking, so I went searching in other areas, avoiding God like the plague. 

But there He was, all Big Presence Like, no mistaking Him whatsoever, and the funny thing is, I recognized Him.  Like something in me already knew Him.  How could that be?  I didn't know, and didn't think about it too much at first, because I was initially floored at His Presence showing up to me personally, little anti-christ that I perceived myself to be.  But more than that, the thing I rebelled against, the thing I resisted more than the knowledge that He was indeed real, was His Love.  Everything in me recoiled from It, way more than His actual existence.  Because it wasn't some general oooaahhh kind of, it was directed specifically at my person.  God...the Big Kahuna in the sky, loved me.  And worse, I felt the first stirrings of my own heart in answer, desiring to love Him back.  Which is when I put the brakes on and pretty much took the stance, "Hold on, You!  I don't have to love You!"  Weird...I know. 

It took awhile for me to trust Him, to take the blame off Him for the ills in the world, and in my life.  It took awhile to adjust to His consistent Presence, and His Love for me.  But once I did trust Him and His Love, there was really no going back.  I let His Spirit move me, teach me through experiences, recognizing His hand in them, not so much re-shaping me but taking me back to my original shape.  It only felt like I was being re-shaped because the princess, the mask I'd donned over the years, the false self that had taken on a life of its own, was being peeled off layer by layer. 

It felt like I was being taken down, but I know now I was being humbled, false pride stripped away, to be replaced with something more glorious than I could possibly comprehend.  The past few years I've lived in relative poverty, living, what I thought, at the mercy of others.  For the life of me I could not get a job, or keep it if I did happen to get one, and its almost like I stood by watching as so many material things I held dear were lost to me.  I also watched people who I thought were my friends slip away, people who I thought loved me.  They didn't love me, they loved some representation of me.  They loved the princess...the person I wasn't.  The person I made, not the person God made. 

When I was finally stripped down to the core, no defenses left, heart broken wide open with a love beyond words, exposed, what I found was...little ole human me, imperfect, who loves getting wet, getting lost in a song, touching the earth, lifting my face to the sunrise, dancing...and a love for humanity.  Being one with the common folk.  Then I was led back home, by the love of a Father, Who reconnected me with the child that I was, His child.  I live close to where I was an environment that evokes the now welcome memories of the love that always existed within me for the earth, and this very human existence. 

The child has come home, her love standing forth, healed, embraced within me.  The princess is gone, and in her place stands a woman.  Nothing special.  I'm just a woman.  And oh so grateful, and surprised at my gratitude, to be just that. 


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Inspirational Food

Josh Spector shared this video on his site several days ago, and it was like inspirational food for me.  I thought to share it this morning with Ben, one of my roomies, and he loved it too.  In between writing another post, I've been chatting with my daughter online today, and sent her a link to watch it, and she loved it so much she told me I should post it here to share with you. 

In Josh Spector's words, it "features an unusual pairing as Detroit’s Selected of God Choir has put together a cover version of Detroit native Eminem’s hit song “Lose Yourself.” It’s a good take, and proceeds from the song are going to three different Detroit charities."

Enjoy :)


The Switch

if you will
a world
with no people
it would look
something like
Does love
or hate
exist on Mars?
do they need
a channel
like the heart
of a human
to express
and show
such things
When harnessed
doesn't electricity
a force unseen
need a circuit
to follow
where it then
can manifest
itself as a light
Who controls
the switch?


Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Choice

Right now, in my lap, sits an outline for a book I started writing years ago.  I dug it out last night from the crypt I'd been keeping it in, and after seeing and reading it again, I sat holding it tightly against my heart.  It felt like I had just reconnected with an old love, and I clutched it to my breast, weeping with joy and gratitude for it's resurrection.

I mentioned in a previous blog that since arriving in Ohio I've finally found a measure of peace, and a glorious sense of freedom.  I feel no unfinished business tugging at my soul, with the exception of one thing, but that is something for the future, and I'm okay with that.  But for the most part, it feels exactly how I'd imagine it'd feel if my karma was wiped clean.  And let me tell you...the experience of freedom I feel within my soul has been worth every step I've taken for the past 20 years. 

Within that freedom I recognize I am in a state of Grace, and I have been allowing myself to hang out there, unencumbered, soaking in it.  I needed to let everything go for a time, give myself a much needed break from many things, including writing here.  I have found the practice of fasting to be profoundly beneficial, and I'm not talking about fasting from food, although that has it's place.  Years ago, I took the practice of fasting into other areas of my life, like fasting from speaking for a day, or a behavior, or from anything we do from habit, without thinking.  Fasting has a way of bringing it back to our consciousness, and if you ever want to find out why you do something, fasting from it for 24 hours, or a week, will bring you that discovery quick enough.  It is a practice to self awareness that brings amazing results.

I also know from experience that when we make a conscious decision to seek the establishment of peace, love, or freedom within us, anything in existence that is not of these things will rise up from within to be dealt with.  Call it what you will -- ego, shadow side, Ed -- makes no difference, because the experience of it is the same within everyone.  We humans aren't as different as some like to believe, and ego is extremely predictable.  That's it's weakness.  Consider it an upside down version of the good you are attempting to establish within you.  It is the false god, one that looks and acts like the version of the real thing, but without the true Spirit of the real thing to back it up, i.e. put in action with true feeling...not with pretense.  A person can say they love another, or give a thousand apologies regarding the same deed, but until it's backed up with action, and followed through, it means absolutely nothing.

But I digress, and only bring all this up for this reason...

After a couple of weeks of basking in Grace land, I became aware of a decision I thought I'd made, but really hadn't, and once you know something there really is no going back to not knowing it, so I had to face it down, which wasn't too much fun.  I would rather have ignored it all together, and probably would have, but for one had to do with writing -- my passion, the thing that makes my heart quicken, that brings me alive, that makes my soul sing wildly.  I discovered there was a conflict inside me whose time had come for a resolution.  I listened to both sides within me, talked about it with my roomies, and the longer I hung in indecision, the more discomfort I felt, until it finally came to a head a couple of nights ago.  Many times the past few weeks I have considered just giving up the ghost by deleting this blog, and hanging up my pen.  I came up with so many reasons for doing so, mostly pointing my finger away from myself.  But I finally had to face that ego within me, do away with false pride, and finally look at the truth...

I was fucking terrified of being hurt and rejected once again.  Of having rage and hate thrown in my face, and at my person.  I didn't trust that I would be able to handle one more rejection, one more set of eyes rolling up in mockery, one more look of scorn, one more person telling me to shut the fuck up, one more person asking me to be different than who I am.  Asking me to be this way, talk this way...then they'll love me.  I was scared I was alone, and rather than be alone, I would have rather given up the thing that is closer than hands or feet...


What brought me to that truth were three articles I read starting with, If I Could... by Zebra Sounds author Judy Clement Wall, then the journal entry This Moment, by Raav Dem, and finally, the brilliant finishing touch, The God of Doing It Anyway, by Rumpus columnist, Sugar.  And how sweet she is!  My heart is filled with gratitude for these people, and it is for certain I ask that God bless them.

God and any creative expression, no matter the form, are so closely linked they cannot be separated.  But I was trying to separate them, even though I knew better.  I was trying to write, express about love, humility, kindness, peace, abundance...all things of God, but with the attempt to Etch God Out.  Ego.  I would not fully claim my God, nor be claimed by Him for fear of experiencing hate filled rejection and belittlement once again.  Compare it to someone who goes out in public with their spouse, but pretends not to know him, keeping a clean distance, for fear they will be shunned.  I haven't been true to the God who loves me, and as a result, I haven't been true to myself.  And the light He gave me, the very light of the Divine within me, will not ever shine through my talents and gifts until I bring together what was separated by me.  Only then can I come from a truer place.

The God I know, the God I have had a relationship with for the past 20 years...that God is nothing like what those in organized religion teach, and the irony is His Spirit isn't far from what I see happening in so many people.  The Spirit of God is alive, and He lives in every heart that loves, that offers forgiveness, that offers healing words, or art, whatever.  He is the Good expressed in this world through each and everyone of you, and more.

I don't care to convert anyone!  I really don't give a shit if you believe in God or not!  It's none of my business.  But I need to bring Him up.  I need to write about my relationship with Him, and the experiences I've had...for it is God that taught me about love.  It is God who taught me all I know about spiritual matters, and the soul.  It is the Spirit of God that moves me.  And that need was never made more plain to me than when I decided to write about abundance.  Because God is a part of that too.  God is my supply, for my supply comes from the Divine within. 

After I made peace within me, and with my God, amazingly, the decision was clear, simple, and oh so welcome.  My roomie, Ben, told me last week during one of our conversations about it, "Cindy, you'll find the choice is already made."  I asked him if he could see it, what my choice was, and he told me he could, then he grew silent.  I finally asked him if he would mind sharing, and he smiled, and said, "Yes, I'd mind.  It's not for me to say, but for you to do."  I felt like slapping him.  Yet I knew he was right.

I dug out the outline, notes, and work from a book I started years ago about my relationship with God, and what that had given me, how it had profoundly changed me, and I held all of it to my heart, so glad for it's resurrection, and more than ready to finish it from a truer, more faithful, peaceful place within me.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A Hand Suspended

When she saw her weeping
her natural instinct was
to reach for her, hold her
comfort and reassure
As her hand extended
in love and kindness
she paused mid way
a silent struggle
of indecision
And there
her love remained
an act replayed
for years to come
When asked what
stayed her hand
she replied, "I thought
my love would be
rejected in anger."
She thought...
I picture that hand
halted, suspended
in the air between
and the power
a mere thought has
to dam up
love's natural expression


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Before I Die...

Last night, during my meanderings on the internet, I noticed a common theme take shape.  First, I read this, zero sum, a wonderful post by Michael David Lockhart.  Then I read Before I Die, a quote by Candy Chang shared on Odyssey, a site I'm in love with, which lead me to Chang's project who, "..with help from friends and neighbors..turned the side of an abandoned house in her neighborhood into a giant chalkboard to invite people to share what is important to them."  I am in awe with such a beautiful idea put into action.  She also provides a link to submit our own dreams online here.  Read the list, it's breathtaking.

Finally, I read bentlily's Ode to Tears...and my heart knows thirst as well, to experience an authentic life, lived and loved to it's fullest potential, holding nothing back, going for my dreams, from the simplest ones to the grandest.  It doesn't even matter if they don't manifest before I die, just as long as I try.  None of it has to be perfect, only that I begin, and keep going, grace to grace, one by one.  Here is a short list of things I still dream about experiencing before my sojourn through time is done...

I have a T-shirt I wear that I received from Writer's Digest that says, "Pulitzer Prize Winner in Training."  I don't necessarily dream about achieving that prize, but wearing the T-shirt reminds me how important writing is to me.  I'll go for published...lots :).

I want to be a witness to my grandchild's birth, watch my daughter and son-in-law raise him/her.  Be a part of his life, spoil him rotten, watch him grow to adulthood, loving him all the way. 

I want to see this, the Cumberland Falls Moonbow in Kentucky...not too far from where I live :D.  I just learned about it.  I had never heard of a moonbow!  How cool is that??  Look it up, it's worth it :)

And this, Ohio's Great Serpent Mound

Those are just a few of the things I dream of doing.  There is so much more!  It's more than a bucket list, because I don't think we should wait until we reach a certain age.  Life is too short as it is.  I've seen too many folks waiting for retirement, or waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect mate, waiting to love, waiting to live, waiting, waiting...  We waste precious time waiting....

We can start now...first with allowing that our dreams are possible, and then by making a decision we are gonna do it, then taking action, one little step at a time until that dream is fulfilled. 

I want to be like the man in bentlily's poem, when I'm at the end of my life sayin' to my love, "It was exquisite." 

How 'bout you?  What do you dream of doing?



Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Daughter's Good News

I had another blog planned for today, but....

I've been antsy since Tuesday, when my daughter told me she may be pregnant.  She told me she'd let me know today...

I found out this afternoon she is indeed with child!  My baby is gonna be a Mama!  I'm so excited I feel I'll burst from the joy of it! 

I'm gonna be a Grandmama! 

And I am so, so happy for my daughter and son-in-law.  They are gonna be fantastic parents! 

I am so in joy right now, I can't sit still, or think to write... 



Tuesday, August 9, 2011


One night, last winter, I lay dreaming...

I saw a huge storehouse with a massive door.  I knew abundance was inside, infinite.  To the side of the door stood an Angel.  I walked up to him and as I came to stand beside him he turned, and swinging his arm toward the storehouse, he said with a smile, "It is yours."  It took me a moment to realize what he was saying.  When it finally hit, I looked at him and said, "Mine?"   He smiled, but didn't reply.  Indeed, there was no need...I knew it was mine, and as I looked toward the storehouse door again I felt a nervousness begin to tighten my gut.  I backed away, suddenly afraid, feeling a responsibility I didn't understand, and as I did so, I asked the Angel, "Um...can it wait?  Can you give me some time?  I'm not quite ready for it."  He gave me an amused look, and I knew I was being foolish.  I also knew that door would be opened, and the time would come for me to do so.  I woke up with a nervous, unreasonable fear within me...

Suffice it to say, I've worked through the fear, and the time has now come for me to open wide that door to abundance...and you are invited along, as I aim my arrow toward it's mark, and give it wings to fly. 

Below is a scene from Alice In Wonderland.  My daughter shared it with me a couple of months ago, before she moved to Texas.  As I watched the scene it struck right at my heart, and I felt a yearning rise up in me.  I knew what he was talking about.  I had lost my muchness too, in recent years, and I wanted it back. 

I've found my muchness, renewed, and now I'm about to become much muchier.  I've learned how to slay the fear. 


Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Am Coming Back :)

I know I've been a bit absent from this blog since my arrival in Ohio, but seriously, I have never in my life felt this free.  It is the most delicious thing ever.  It feels like the Spirit of Life Itself has been freed within my being, and I am keenly aware of It's Presence within me, like a clean river, strong, steady, and peaceful as it flows through my veins with each breath and beat of my heart, quickening every cell in my body.  I feel so gloriously alive. 

I have more to share, but for now, I am delighting in this new sense of freedom.  Peace is establishing itself within me, and those who think that peace is boring have another think coming.  It is actually the very thing needed for Life to be experienced and expressed more fully, and with added richness.  It is not an absence of anything, but rather an all inclusiveness of everything, past, present and future within an individual life. 

Really, make friendly relations with all that lives within, and outside you.  

I'll be back soon...I haven't forgotten you.  I've been making plans as to the direction I'd like to take as I enter the third act of my life.  It is a brief intermission only.  And perhaps a costume change...:) 

I'm so excited!