Monday, March 7, 2011
I feel it, in the background, doubt desiring to get a foothold inside me. I feel quite a bit going on in the background that I ignore. Avoid. It seems if I concentrate on not avoiding one area, then there is another area that falls behind...avoided for the time being. I recognize I'm only one person, I can't do it all. I'm also a person who tends to be multitask challenged. I'm better at focusing on one thing at a time. The problem is there are too many areas that need my focus. Finding a job, cleaning the house, which has been neglected over the years. The outside of the house needs attention as well.
My mother needs a lot of attention. Not necessarily physical attention, but attention we all need and desire. Someone to talk to, someone whose interested, getting out, etc. However, she didn't really give herself these things even before she had a stroke. She expected, demanded, her family provide these things for her. Namely, me and my daughter. She's had friends over the years, here and there, but she basically ran them off for one reason or another. She worked most of her life. You could say, in fact I will say, she was a workaholic. She leaned on no one for help. Refused it outright. She wanted to be the giver always, the one paying for dinner, for everything. She never let anyone give to her, then wondered why they stopped trying. I have seen some of that in me, and humble myself before the Lord, asking forgiveness for such pride.
I would like to have help, and would accept it with a grateful heart if there was someone who was there to offer it. Because, truthfully, I'm not sure I can do all this by myself. This isn't a pity me post, don't get me wrong...and I honestly don't need anyone's pity. What good would that do me? lol. Consider this a writing about it post, so I can try to see my way clear of what I'm feeling lurking in the shadows. Background noise. I fully recognize I chose to be here. I chose to do this thing. Walked into it with eyes open. Friends warned me, but honestly, I don't have it in me to leave my mother to her own defenses. And she's alienated everyone else in her life, so there you have it. She doesn't have a support system...me and my daughter have always provided that to her. She had no one else here. Her life was about working.
I knew what I was walking into, and I take responsibility for my decision.
I believe in God. I'm seriously trying to adjust everything I have within me to remain positive. But there are times, especially like this evening, when I just needed some down time, some respite, a space to clear myself, and more times than not it's too much to ask. My mother is at me, wanting attention, wanting me to listen, wanting me...wanting. She doesn't get it. She takes any distance I desire personally...and on the wheel we go. A skip in a song, repeating the same thing day in and day out. And that has the effect of me desiring to create even more distance.
I recognize her need, I do. But I realized I can't concern myself with this house, finding a job, all that is pressing, important, and also be her all. She needs friends, and won't find any. She needs so much, and won't get up to give that to herself. Not like either one of us can do much, because financially we're in no position to do much of anything. We conserve on fuel, we conserve on everything. Our world gets smaller. I talk to friends and their world has gotten smaller too. We're all in the same boat...how can I ask anyone to help? They have troubles of their own. We're all struggling.
But she doesn't even want to try. She looks to me to fulfill her friendship, daughter, all of it needs. I can't. I don't want to.
I've been reading articles about caregivers, and I guess the health and life of a caregiver is of great concern. Most of the focus is on the one who is sick, or disabled. Lol, my mother can't even get on disability because when the Social Security office called the last place she worked they told them my mother quit. Well, duh! She had a stroke and had to quit! Run around. All they give is the run around...so we just stopped trying. Conserve our energy. Pick our battles.
I just gotta keep an eye on that list there. I don't want to turn into that person. A caregiver's concern. If I have to write here periodically to keep myself from going there, then so be it.