Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I seriously didn't want to admit I had that kind of thing in me. Here I've been walking my spiritual path, sometimes thinking I'm all that, above this kind of base emotion...not human, I guess...and out crops the realization that, yes, there is an over abundance of bile in my liver. I ran from it for awhile, got on my high horse, tried to make myself right about its non-existence in me. Which is really uncharacteristic of me nowadays, because I've been in the practice of getting brutally honest with myself for many years now. Okay, I've always been honest, to the point of bluntness, which I've found is a part of being Sagittarius. Not that I'm into the whole astrology thing, but I've found there are similarities in character in folks who fall under a certain sign. And I'm digressing big time...
I have gotten honest about jealousy outside a romantic relationship, and what I discovered was that at the root of its presence in me was a thought of lack. In my practice of Gratitude, recognizing my haves instead of my have nots, I realized jealousy is a thought/emotion of the have not variety. I asked myself, how do I treat it? Because I don't particularly like the feeling...too aciddy. First, I had to look at it, which isn't easy or comfortable. Yet once I accepted its presence in me, and the discomfort, I sat with it for awhile and let it teach me. Meaning, I listened to its voice, what it had to say. In my journal, I gave it words. The common element I found in any jealousy I encountered in me was desire. An intense desire for something I felt I didn't have, or wouldn't allow in my life and experience.
Throughout my life I came across way too many things where I had a thought/belief that it wasn't allowed. As mentioned in a previous post, my world and experience was way too small, and that was perfect breeding ground for jealousy and envy. But I didn't know that at the time, so was shocked to discover how much I didn't allow in my life, mainly because of fear, but also because of self judgment. How I began treating that is truly looking at the desire, seeing if it was even something I truly wanted, and if it was I began moving on the desire. After giving to myself that experience, or thing, I discovered jealousy left me.
The romantic version of jealousy I found in me, however, was something else all together. I thought it was uglier, because it felt way more intense than what I had ever encountered before, and frankly, I wasn't sure I could handle it. Getting to the part of first admitting it to myself was a supreme challenge for me. Once there, and once I looked at it square in the face, I got afraid. I realized it had been lying there for a very long time, festering in me, growing bigger and bigger as it was ignored, denied. It was a very big monster. I had to muster a hell of lot of courage to listen to what it had to say, it's desire, what I hadn't allowed in my life and experience and expression. It yelled at me!
Reflections are an interesting thing. Sadly, I'm used to hate, judgment, scorn, and all those things being heaped on me. I've lived with them all my life, and living with them kinda made me think that's the only thing I was going to receive in this life. But when a Big Love, especially from a man, as opposed to what I felt from Spirit, comes into the picture, that reflection had whatever was getting in the way of my accepting and even receiving love, letting it touch me, rise up to the foreground. Jealousy was around because of what I hadn't ever allowed into my experience, and still wasn't. What I never allowed to touch me. And it was hungry. Starving, really. Everything in me wanted to latch on, and feed and feed and feed. That kind of need frightened the hell out of me. And quite honestly, sent me into a kind of hopelessness, because that hole felt way too deep for me to ever be able to fill it. I didn't realize all I had to do was simply begin allowing love in. Or, at the least, be open to receiving it.
At the root of this particular brand of jealousy I discovered self loathing, and of course, judgment...which caused the not allowed feeling. Love was not in that dark place, and it had now become a black hole, like in space, the sucking into itself anything that comes its way kind of black hole. Wow, what do you do with that?? Give what you need? Well, I felt my need reached as high as the cosmos, and as low as the core of the earth.
Here's what I discovered. Besides the whole man/woman thing, romantic love kinda covers all relationships within it's atmosphere...father, mother, child, friendship. Mother and father setting the stage for how we will later relate to ourselves, and the opposite sex. There are wounds that occur, of course, none can escape it because our parents aren't, and never will be, perfect in their expression of love. Whatever wounds we received, or even think we received, that haven't been healed in us are gonna crop up in our romantic relationships. I see this as perfect opportunities to heal, if we are willing to go there in ourselves.
As I've walked this road I have loved with a big love, given what I myself needed. I've learned a hell of lot. What I didn't realize is I wasn't allowing the love of a man to touch me in return. I couldn't even see it. I allowed no man to even claim me, and that is something I really desired. I desired a man to call me his own. I desired a man I could call mine. I couldn't see it because I was coming from a place of believing it wasn't allowed, I couldn't, and/or didn't have it. I can come up with all kinds of reasons for my being that way, some of them seemingly justifiable, but the bottom line is that's still me getting in the way of what I desire, and not allowing the love of a man to come in. My need for love from a man is profound, and it still frightens me. I hunger and I thirst for that to exist within my life, and I desire to experience a deep love from a man, let it touch me, and love him deeply, passionately, with abandon, and fire, with peace and good will behind it all, and throughout it all, know with everything in me I am his, because I trust when he says its so. I desire to be consumed with that kind of love, not in jealousy, coming from a place of not having it, but consumed by Love's very essence in me, in him, together. Tall order I know, and I'm sure I'll fall off the beam quite a bit, if that kind of love is even possible.
I am opening to receive. Now that I see that black hole within me, I am praying God heal it with love, for it is a belief that a lack of love existed within me that created the hole in the first place. A belief that blocked the way for receiving it. I feel like I've just stepped into that place of hope, where I'm freshly allowing for possibility to exist, but also waiting for the axe to fall on it. Where I'm saying to myself, "Are you sure you want to open yourself to this? Because your in for disappointment. May as well live in disappointment, its safer."
To hell with safer. I'll take the risk.