This came to me to share today as I drove home after doing some errands. It is a piece I wrote in August of 2009. I think I needed to read it again as well.
Earlier, I took a brief nap and dreamed. When I awoke I had a strange sense of peace, and of movement. It felt like many things are settling into place within me, after pieces have been moved about here and there, tectonic plates shifting, eruptions to blow out what isn't useful, or productive anymore. I feel like this piece I wrote was almost self prophetic.
And that all along, I have been heading in one direction:
I have so many beginnings, so many roads to choose from, which one do I pick? I used to be frightened of them, and felt overwhelmed by the choices. It felt like I was playing "Let's Make a Deal", agonizing over which door to pick. For a very long time, too long, I stayed there at the crossroads in a state of indecision, worried I'd make a mistake and pick the wrong door. I didn't realize none of them were wrong. There was no wrong choice, there was just a choice. That one looks fun, let's see where it goes! Yet there I stood, paralyzed because I wanted to see the future, the "What if..." game playing like a broken record in my head. The monotony of it eventually hypnotized me into a kind of comatose state, and when I did finally awaken, the choices I had been spending all that time trying to decide on were gone. The roads that had been full of delicious adventures to try were now dark and barren. I saw they didn't even go very far, but just dropped off suddenly into nothingness. I could see no other roads available to me. Not even the one I had traveled. It too was gone, no footprints, or breadcrumbs to follow to find my way back. No shining potential, no possibilities left for me to pick. I despaired. I was too late.
I curled into a ball of regret, and the litany of "If only..." began to play. I became Lot's wife, looking back, at what "Could have been..." The moment I looked back in the spirit of regret I turned into a pillar of salt, a bitter taste rising in my mouth, my skin taking on the look of the desert, dry and cracked, no life giving waters to make it plump and smooth. I railed against my fate, and there was a great gnashing of teeth. My voice rose like a banshee as I wailed, and I screamed, and shook my fist to the heavens, pounding on God's chest, "This is not fair! Why didn't you wait for me to decide?!" I don't know how long I stayed like this in time, it felt an eternity to my spirit. Each minute was a thousand years that went by in my soul. Caught in hell, the place between living and death. I begged with the Gods, "Have Mercy! Put me out of my misery! Let me go back to oblivion, when I did not know, could not see what I have done."
I wept. The tears first appeared as clouds that blurred my vision of the sun. Then they began a light drizzle. Soon, the clouds grew darker and my tears got thicker, and then it was as if a floodgate opened, and my tears came pouring, harder, faster. My hair became a great wind, fury shot lightning out of my eyes, my voice boomed thunder. I became a storm, swelling in intensity, swirling into a massive cyclone, wet, whipping with my wind, pouring down, spending myself in complete surrender.
Another eon went by, I built an ark to stay afloat. Then one day the rain of my weeping finally ended. The clouds in my eyes cleared. A light suddenly shone through, I looked up. The air was still wet, but clean. I inhaled it's sweet scent. Light reflected off lingering drops, casting diamonds and rainbows in the air. I laughed in delight at the sheer beauty of it, my spirit felt like dancing. I turned and there before me lay roads awaiting my pleasure. They called, "Pick me! Pick me!" I thought of the Spirit of the Present who said, "Come! Know me better!" I squealed in girlish joy. Where did they come from of a sudden, these roads not there before? I looked behind me to see the road I had just traveled, I saw the storm in the distance. Dawn cast it's light of clarity, I hadn't been aware I took a step. Now I saw I had chosen a path, the step I took was inward. I saw I was like a sunflower, that grows tall where it is put, but now I could be something different. I think I'll try this one....