Sunday, March 20, 2011

All Stop. Then Nock, Aim, Let My Arrow Fly

Years ago, I asked God what "service" was all about.  What did that really mean?  What did that feel like, and look like?  I'm aware some folks perceive a higher calling, like saving the rain forests, or serving humanity in some capacity, like feeding the hungry, as the meaning of service.  There's also serving beer in a bar.  That could be called service.  So I wanted to know what service really meant where God, or the spiritual were concerned.  I've waited a lot of years for my answer.  Not because God didn't answer, but because I suppose my brain was just too thick for the answer to get through.  It's been there all along, hidden in plain sight. 

This past week has been interesting.  It has gone back and forth, or up and down, from downright hellish, to extremely lovely.  Honestly, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was manic.  I know better.  No, I think this is more like labor pains, and the contractions are coming closer together.  What's being born?  A dream.  A dream I've been pregnant with for a very long time.  It's time has now come. 

A few days ago I went into work, was there for about an hour when suddenly my feet began cramping.  Then a few seconds later I felt very dizzy.  With the dizziness came waves of nausea.  I thought it was just a passing thing, but then my heart began beating rapidly, I felt heat on my ears and neck, and when I talked it's as if I was hearing my voice from far away.  After about 10 or 15 minutes the symptoms weren't passing, and I told my boss I needed to go home.  I've never felt anything like that in my entire life, and I didn't know what the hell was going on with me.  When I got home, my left ear burned, turned bright red, and felt as if someone was pulling on it.  Later that evening, a high pitched ringing started in it.   The ringing has lasted for several days, and today it finally has toned down to being like a quiet wind stirring itty bitty chimes.

To make a long story short, the last few days have been an eye opener for me.  Or rather, symbolically speaking, an ear opener.  Sometimes, illness has this way of getting us to stop, and look at where we are going and what we are doing.  There have been countless other things going on as well to give me a reflection as to the direction I am taking, and my purpose.   I felt something important happening within me, almost like I was coming to some fine point of focus.  Like focusing the eye of a camera before taking a clean picture.  All other considerations in the photo are null and void, except for what the eye is looking to capture.

My boss called me the next day following my dizzy episode, and for whatever reason began asking me some interesting questions.  At first I was a bit put out with her, and didn't understand why she was choosing now to ask me such questions.  But after I hung up the phone I began looking at her questions closer.  Since I've been looking at reflections more lately, I looked at what she could be seeing in me that motivated her to ask those questions.  So I got brutally honest with self, and found that what she suspected was there in me was indeed a fact.  I thought, "Well what?"  The thing is,  I had that feeling anyway from the day I first went in to talk with her, and even admitted it to a friend.  But I wanted that feeling to be wrong, because, well, I had my own plans.

You'd think I'd have learned this lesson by now, given the countless experiences I've had teaching it to me, but no, I'm ever the shrew wanting my own way, or thinking my way is better...

I also got honest with a lot of other things, and because of the overwhelming amount of signposts, uncanny evidence slamming into me at an alarming rate, I finally came to an ALL STOP, and made a decision I've needed to make for many years, and have actually already been working toward, although I wasn't fully aware of it.  So yesterday morning I jumped in with both feet into a decisive action, and will now be working toward that end until it is manifest.  What lets me know that it is the right course of action for me, and that I wasn't fooling around with it anymore,  is what occurred right after I made the decision.  (See my post, Neither Do I Condemn) 

To that end, I will be making a few changes in the next week to this site, (and some other areas of my life), to reflect and support my decision.  Nothing major, but my focus has now gotten tighter.  I've let my arrow go, and it's now on it's way to its target.

What does that have to do with service?  There are things in life that are bigger than we are.  When a dream hangs around, cannot be killed, when no lid can be made big enough to cover it, when every other direction is finally closed off, and there it is, still waving, then something is definitely up.  I learned this very thing regarding love.  We can cover it, we can pretend it isn't there, but in the end we have to get real and surrender to it's presence and its voice.  It's a fact jack, and there ain't nothing we can do to control it.  I believe our dreams are like, or talents, lying in wait inside of us, no matter how simple they may seem, or impossible.  One day, we have to get real, look at them square, surrender, and say...

"At your service.  I give my life over to you." 


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