Friday, February 18, 2011
Smoke and Mirrors
"I'm quitting." I said aloud, out of left field.
"What? When?" said my addictive nature. I could feel her shock and anxiety begin to kick in.
"March 11, 2011." I said.
Don't ask me where I got the date, because I have no idea. It was a random day that just kind of flew into my mind and out of my mouth before I could think about it.
"Uhhhh...well, you don't want to think about this? Where did this crazy idea come from?"
She was already getting jittery just thinking about not having her fix...and the ETA wasn't for another month!
"Don't know, but it's a done deal, so gird yourself."
Here's the thing: With this move on my part to stop avoiding, stop hiding, etc., a realization hit me like a slap on the face...the reason I smoke. I quit smoking once, for 3 years, then started back up again after a divorce. I had this dream, not long after, of this female being who floated into my room, and was digging around in my stuff. She was powerful, and made me nervous. Then she got into one of my drawers and pulled out my pack of smokes, and said, "Hrmm...interesting choice." I got pissed at her and told her to put them back. She laughed, put them down, and disappeared. That dream has stuck with me ever since. Now and then it will come back to me, and I've pondered the meaning.
I smoke to avoid. I use them like a magic show with smoke and mirrors. I'm done with that. I originally thought I smoked because I wouldn't give myself a break, and they were my excuse to take one. That is partly true, and was very true for a long time. But not since picking them back up. I was avoiding so many things, and like with any addiction, when things got uncomfortable or too squirrely for me, I went and had a smoke.
I began noticing what I'd move to do to avoid unpleasantness since making this commitment here on this blog, namely...I'd go for a smoke. As soon as I noticed what I was doing, that hidden thing in me was exposed. The jig was up. And I can honestly say that now I don't necessarily enjoy them anymore like I once did...or thought I did.
Anyway, March 11th, 2011, I'm done with smoking. In the meantime, I'm gearing everything in me to support this decision. I really don't know where the date came from, but later, I added the numbers up, and they equal a nine...completion. Perfect.
By the way, wondering why I took the picture of my pack of smokes in the grass? Me too! I know I laughed when the idea struck. So fun times!