Friday, February 4, 2011
I Am Here
I am here.
A friend of mine used to write those words to me on a regular basis, and frankly, I didn't like hearing or reading them. I didn't like what they meant to me by my own definition. Now I laugh, because that is right where I am now...here. Now I can relate to what he was saying then. I also now understand why it bugged me when he said it. I didn't like my "here" very much. I was in extreme discomfort, and I desired to leap right out of it. My world had been rocked, and turned inside/out in so many ways on so many levels that I felt as if I'd never be okay. There was so much wrong, and the hits just kept coming. I feared I'd never be able to rise above it.
What happens when "here" and "now" aren't much to your liking? When a heart rending Grief takes hold and won't let you go anywhere but to the bottom of the well? I was so afraid of what I'd find that Grief had to take me kicking and screaming. Yet believe me when I say there comes a time when surrender is your only option. I surrendered...I let go of everything and everyone...
...and wept, and wept...and wept...
and I found, at the bottom of the well....Hope. In the dark, cold, barren rock at the bottom of that well was a tiny spring from the waters of Life, now slowly filling up what I had just emptied. Waters that would eventually carry me back up to the surface, and to the light of day once again. I am here. I am thankful.
What I find amazing, and kind of amusing, is I am pretty much in the same position that I was in when I fell, but now my viewpoint is different. I am changed. I have been reformed in some way. Now I see what I can do, as opposed to what I can't. I can see what I have to offer, as opposed to seeing that I don't have anything to contribute. I see what I have, as opposed to what I have not. Everywhere I look I see potential and possibility. I find myself drinking it in, this creative vibration that is everywhere present. And in that light, in that life giving, and life enhancing water,
I begin...right here...right now.
I am here.