Monday, September 26, 2011

From a Tiny Wellspring of Connection

Perhaps I should wait to write until my life is better.  All sunshine, love and roses.  Then maybe I'd have something more interesting and inspiring to write.  Perhaps I'm being selfish, or self absorbed, or a bitch because I write about stuff like grief, poverty, and things folks don't really want to hear, much less face that it exists in our world.  Ever driven or walked by a homeless person, or a person so obviously beaten down by life, and find yourself averting your eyes, or worse, judging them?  Why do we do that?  I know why...fear.  Let's keep the lepers on their own little island, far, far away from us.  We might catch what they've got, and not be human anymore, a pariah of society, shunned, untouchable.  We don't want to see, or think about how they got to be that way.  We don't want to see that perhaps we hold some responsibility.  If you only knew.  For it isn't God who created this mess.  Stop blaming Him.  And I've got news for you, it isn't some devil either.  Nope, the responsibility can be squarely placed on mankind's shoulders.  We are way more connected than many people can even begin to comprehend. 

Yes, perhaps I should wait until I've got all my ducks in a row, a nice and tidy life.  Or just write about what's good in my life, which I have done.  Perhaps I shouldn't write about myself at all!  Maybe I should just take myself right out of the picture, and think of only what others want to hear.  Maybe I should think only of others, and make it like I don't exist.  But wait!  Oh yeah.  I've actually been there, done that.  Didn't work out so well. 

Perhaps I shouldn't write about the past, and how it's shaped me, affected me.  Perhaps I shouldn't write about the dark experiences I've had, like molestation, rape, hatred, dark things that would, and does, tear at the mind , heart, and soul of a human being.  From the time any of them occurred I've heard, "Why can't you just let it go?  It's in the past!"  Yes, and I should just be able to get myself right over it, and be happy, happy, happy!  I've had people treat me like they think I don't want to get over it, that I don't want to heal.  Show me the way.  Show me how I can just snap my fingers and poof!, all better!  Or better yet, let me just pretend I'm all better so you can feel better!  So you don't have to hear about it.  So you don't have to consider that maybe, just maybe, these things exist in the world. 

The past isn't popular is it?  No, everyone is all about "the now."  The ironic thing is, now includes past, present and future.  There is no exclusion of anything.  We can no more escape our past, wipe it clean, than we can escape the hard reality of our life right now.  We can't pretend what happened didn't.  But we do give it a good try don't we?  Running on a wheel that takes us nowhere.  Best to turn around and just face it...that past we can't seem to get away from.  We can only make peace with it the best we can. 

What if my now sucks.  What if the next moment sucks, and the one after that...yep, still poor, a leper, a beggar, living at the mercy of others, trying to figure out how to make it all work.  Fighting on a daily basis, a now basis, a spirit of discouragement.  Trying to hold my head up and my shoulders back the best I can.  Trying not to miss those I love.  Trying not to be disappointed when I miss my best friend's wedding.  Trying to figure out how I can make it to the birth of my grandchild.  Trying not to be freaked out about not having any money, or an internet connection, a phone, anything that connects me with those I love, or to the world in general.  Trying to figure out how to keep this dream of writing alive, how to keep my blog alive.  Trying not to feel like a victim, or come from a victim mentality.  Trying not to feel so alone in a new place.  Trying to figure out how to bring love, touch, and all the good stuff into my life, that others have and take for granted.  Trying not to be envious of that.  Trying to hold myself together in the deep night when all of this hits me hard, so I sleep with my futon like a couch, my body pressed hard against it's back pretending it's someone holding me in their arms saying, "It's all gonna be okay, Cindy.  You're okay."  Then I can go to sleep. 

But I'm a bitch if I want more, or suffering from pride if I don't fall all over someone's feet groveling with gratitude for what they've given me.  How low would you like me to go?  I should be thankful for what I have!  If they only knew...I am.  And the very fact they can't see it saddens me. 

Perhaps I should just shut the fuck up and not write, or give a voice to any of you feel better.  So you don't have to go to the hard place.  No, let someone else handle that.  We pass off responsibility like a hot potato.  Get away from me!  I only want pleasure!  My mother wrote and told me she admired my strength.  I don't feel strong.  I feel afraid.  I was afraid when she had a stroke.  I was afraid when my marriage came to an end.  I've been afraid with having no money.  I am afraid that none of what I'm doing here will come to anything.  I am afraid.  But I'm not supposed to feel anything about what's happened or what's happening in my life.  And God forbid I should talk about it when I do feel it!  I'm supposed to be all chipper, full of sunshine, and make sure I consider everyone elses feelings and understand what they are walking through before I deal with my own!  Or...I'm not spending enough time with my emotions...I wonder why that is?  I know why she said it, why she admires my strength.  She admires that I am walking through what I am without trying to fill it, or escape it, by getting high, or drunk, or using sex.  No, I'm walking with a clear mind, sober, letting the experience touch me, and teach me.  I figure while I'm in it, I may as well seek some kind of silver lining in the experience.  I don't put a lot of stock in someone telling me I should lighten up, or I don't have it so bad, when they are high.  They say, "Look at me!  I'm happy!"  Well...of course you are!  You're high!  Not even dealing with reality...or your emotions.  Yay for you! 

Yes, perhaps I should behave better.  Perhaps I shouldn't have moments where I'm freaking out.  Just hold it all everyone else feels better...I know where that leads.  It's like a pressure cooker.  Ever wonder why Mother Earth suddenly explodes?  Look at how we treat her!

Know what the main issue was that destroyed my marriage?  My ex-husband couldn't figure out how I could love him and be okay with him not having much to provide materially.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to be with him.  It was him I loved, not what he could provide.  It totally boggled his mind.  That disturbs me...greatly.  Because it's what I see in mankind.  They be open to receive love, thinking they need to be in a better place before they can even have it.  They need to be all sunshine and roses, and upbeat, and full of inspiration, and good stuff, have material things before love can come walking in.  Why is that?  How did that belief even come into existence?  God showed me that I am enough just as I am.  That love comes pouring down from heaven, waiting to pour!, when we open ourselves, our mind, to receive it.  God has taught me He is there through the shit and the good.  Love is there when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.   But how can we know that until we actually experience it?  Even allow the experience of it? 

I chose a road to learn all I could about Love.  And I am saying to you here and now, that love needs to be present in the dark places.  We need to not avert our eyes from any human being.  My aim is not, and hasn't been to inspire you.  My aim is the sharp arrow of Truth.  My aim is to open your eyes to include the dark places, inside and outside you, and to say to you that those dark places are there because of a lack of love.  Those dark places need love brought in to heal.   They aren't evil, and they certainly don't make you evil.  The only evil there is is in not giving love when it's upon you to do so.  And it is on you to do so.  You don't have to be perfect at it before giving it.  Just practice it, start now, at home, with a plant, or animal, or something easy, that doesn't talk back.  Start.  The only way you're going to learn is by doing it.  We are the bringers of it to this world.  It isn't some airy fairy idea or feeling in our head!  It's touch!  It's eye contact!  It's actual, real, getting your hands dirty connection!  It's the comforting pat when someone is having a bad day.  It's a smile given.  It's fighting through our own reactions and giving love anyway.  It's actually seeing the other person who stands before you, really seeing them, putting yourself in their shoes, reaching for understanding, letting your heart break for them, and for God's sake...listening!  Listen to them, let them talk, let them cry, be a part of allowing them to heal, and do what you can to help them heal.  We are the bringers. 

And if we don't bring it, mankind is lost. 



j said...

Wow. I want to hug you right now, heart to heart, sweetie. A tiny act packed with all that I feel is true about you. Don't stop writing about what's real, Cindy. I think truth is what we should all aspire to write toward.


C. Fassett said...

j...thank you. Your comments mean more to me than you can possibly know. The last couple of weeks have been like I'm walking right on the line where the light meets the dark on the face of the moon. I just have to remember...whether light on one side or dark on the other, it's all the same landscape.

Anonymous said...

I love every single word of this, Cindy! Just had a guest post up on my blog about connection I think you'd enjoy.

Also, to show how much your blog post touched me (and usually all of them do) --> In lieu of a love letter, today I'm sending on some bloggy awards, and one of them for You my dear friend

C. Fassett said...

Estrella, I am so deeply touched I don't have any words! Thank you so much! Your comment was such a great thing to come home to after a very long day at work. I'll be sleeping with all kinds of warm fuzzies tonight <3! Going over to read your guest post now...:) Big Love and Hugs comin' at you in spirit!