The Test

There are those
who said to me,
"Your faith is being tested."
I felt this was true, yet
faith in what...exactly?
My faith in God
was a given

Speaking of giving;
i had thought my giving
had come to an end
only to discover
it had simply changed shape
There I was
giving anyway
and it is i who believed
it's value was meaningless

God's faith and trust
in me
is sometimes -
okay, most times -
uncomfortable
His gaze never wavers
from what He sees in me
the Good He created

i believed i was
not that Good
the I am that I am
that i couldn't quite
meet what He saw
i wiggled, and squirmed
even tried to
prove Him wrong
"See?  i'm not that person!
Look at what i just did!"

He laughed...laughed!
at my antics
knowing, trusting
I'd eventually come around
For how could I not?
All that ugly stuff i made up
about myself
all the ways i behaved
wasn't even true
just a book of my life
i wrote
not what God wrote
(thank you, God!)
an attempt only
to keep myself from growing
into something beautiful
i was like a flower
refusing to share it's bloom,
a chick looking at the shell
surrounding it, and saying
"i can't do it.  Besides,
i don't know what's out there." 
a caterpiller, afraid
to come out of the cocoon
and fly

Now I wonder
what took me so long?

So, where was my faith
being tested?
In You.

Every kind of personality
was thrown before me
When i wanted to say,
"Yes, I see the truth,
the Good of them
..but,
look at what he does!
(or doesn't do)
i cannot give to that
i cannot love that
i cannot tolerate that
i cannot show patience for that
i cannot forgive that
i cannot, will not, throw these,
my pearls
to this swine!"

God remained silent
His gaze unwavering
through my disappointment
in mankind
Until I saw
it was my disappointment
that needed to be healed
Throughout all my refusals
and rebellion, and resistance
throughout all my attempts
to wiggle out from under
His faith and trust in me
did i ever once
feel God's disappointment in me?

Not once.
Not ever.
Only His faith
His love
His trust

Who was i
not to give
the very same
that i had been given?
The test
was to steady my gaze
unwavering
and trust, believe in,
all the Good
I see in You.

God smiled.

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