Friday, September 2, 2011

...You Cannot Love Me

I was given a Gift beyond measure.  Oh, I didn't know it consciously at first.  It took some time, years, for the fullness of the Gift to break through the blindness of my mind and hardness of my heart.  I wasn't even aware my mind and heart needed to be softened, opened, to receive it.  When awareness did finally hit, the full knowledge of it literally brought me to my knees.  I remember weeping with a mixture of joyous gratitude, and profound shame.  On my knees, a blubbering mess, I whispered, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, oh my God, I'm sorry, forgive me, I didn't know, I didn't know, thank you, thank you, thank you, forgive me..."

I didn't know Love had come calling. 

The sense of shame I felt was in the knowledge that every bit of resistance and rebellion within me was toward Love Itself.  I didn't know that I was in essence saying, "You cannot love me."  I didn't know all the many ways I thought, behaved, and acted were the very things closing the door to Love.  I didn't know that what I defended most of all was all the ways I wasn't lovable...because that is what I was told, in so many ways through out the years, all the myriad reasons, like a coin collection in my mind, others gave for not loving me.  I was making myself right about them, and in my self righteousness, I was virtually and literally, keeping the door of my mind and heart closed to Love.  I saw where love didn't show up, where it wasn't, not where it did and was.  And it was there the whole time...holding It's hand out to me over and over, and I didn't even see...I didn't see...

Is it any wonder I didn't feel loved?  I didn't know I was rejecting it, with all those reasons... cannot love me because I am too young, too old, too fat, too lazy, too ugly, too angry, too poor, too this, too cannot love me until I fix all of that.  As soon as I fix it, then You can love me, then I'll open the door to You.  Yet Love, persistent, consistent, taught me otherwise...It said, "I do not see all that you see in yourself.  I will never agree with all those reasons.  You don't want me to agree with them.  It is only you who validates them.  It is only you who made them real.  Open to the way Love sees you.  You do not need to be perfect for Me to love you.  You don't have to do, or be any other way than what you already are for my love.  My Love already IS.  The only thing for you to do is simply open yourself to receive It.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you..." 

So I stood up, and made a decision to trust this Love that was given to me.  I decided, in that moment, to open all that I am to the Light of Love.  I brought down every defense I held against It one by one.  I allowed It's Light to shine on the dark places within me where love had not had a home for a very long time.  Through arid places I walked, places filled with darkness that made me tremble.  I traveled every inch of my mind, body and soul, making the way straight for love to come in, opening...opening...asking, "Bring love this dark place.  Let It's waters heal me." 

Along the way, I noticed the more I opened to receive Love within me, the more I gave it to my world.  It's light and touch were now extending from me to others, from plants and animals to mankind, to the earth herself.  Wherever I found darkness, places where love was not, I gave, I prayed, "Bring love this dark place.  Let It's waters heal them." 

There came a time when Love set me loose on the world.  With the fullness of Love in my heart, It spoke, "Go....pour."  What did I find?  Various stages of my own journey within.  Various stages of blindness of mind, and a hardness of heart.  Various stages of resistance and rebellion against Love.  I knew...they knew not what they did.  The very same way I didn't know long ago.

Every smile given in kindness or welcome that was not received, or trusted, or even seen, was someone saying,

" cannot love me." 

Every time a hand was extended in love -- every time peace was called for, and it was not given; every time forgiveness was asked for, and not given, with not even a glimmer of hope to allow a person to redeem themselves; every time you're met with anger and distrust, or hatred,  apathy, or disinterest;  every time you allowed money, or the lack of this or that in you or the other to stand in the way -- these moments you were saying,

" cannot love me."  

For I've seen the love in you refuse to give.  And in the refusal, I know, I do know, that there is the place you need healing.  For your refusal to give it is the very place you think love is not in you to giveWhere you love easily, letting it show, through acts of forgiveness, tolerance, patience, kindness, self control, is the place you know love to already be. 

I'll say it again in this way, please hear me, the very place you cannot love, or return love, is the exact same place within you where you believe you don't have love.  It is the place in you where you can't even see that love is already there...given.  It is the place in you where you are not open to receive it.  For once you receive it in that place, once you see it, there will be nothing holding you back from giving it. 

And one day you will see it.  One day, you will see the love that was there, all along, given in tiny moments of shining glory...just as I did. 

Love remains.  It is alive and well.  Extending Itself, shining It's light, through the human heart of mankind...waiting, waiting, holding It's Gift open throughout all time...for you... to let it touch you, heal you, and the only thing you have to do is open yourself to receive It.  Once you do that, there will be nothing holding you back from giving it.

" cannot love me."

Ahhhh....but I do.


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