Almost 2 weeks ago I wrote about a sense of coming home. The experience of it was so powerful and real that it is a challenge to even describe it's affect within me. The only way I know how to put it to you is by giving a contrast in view. What we feel within us has a direct correlation on what we see around us. When we are in grief, we tend to perceive life around us as empty, full of loss. I once wrote a poem that stated:
I know a grief so stark
I recognize it
in an empty
in need of cleaning
running out of ink
By the same token, when we are feeling happy, especially in love, everything in life seems to take on a rosy hue, and we see and notice love in full blossoms, sweet scents in the air, and we experience a lightness in our step and being.
Instead of asking myself what I want, or desire in this temporal world, I have been in the habit of asking myself instead what it is I desire to experience and express. I recognized years ago the outside form of a thing isn't really what I was after, because in actual fact, for example, I have lived in a lot of homes, some for many years, yet never experienced a sense of being at home while living in any of them. So if the actual thing, the building itself I lived in didn't give it to me, I asked myself what would? I discovered the answer lay within me. I realized there was a great deal of fear attached to my perception of home, and my viewpoint needed changing, meaning from one of fear to one of love, if I was ever going to experience and express what I desired. The journey to changing it has not been easy, but well worth the trip in light of what I have been experiencing the past couple of weeks.
My daughter arrived home Wednesday night, ( yay! finally! ), after what was for her a very trying experience. She has a good sense of home, which oddly enough, I know I helped give to her --- I gave what I needed. Anyway, when she got home, all she desired to do was sleep, finally being able to rest comfortably in a sense of safety, meaning she could finally let the guard down she had up within herself for the past 4 months. That is how I felt the first week after I found a sense of home within me, like something in me gave way, and I just wanted to sleep. I listened to and allowed it, and my sleep has been deep and healing, dreamless. The more I have slept in this way, the better I feel, and the more energy I have.
There has actually been a great deal of activity in my life and around me. Same shit, different day kind of thing, yet my view has changed so drastically, and is coming from such a different place within me, all I see and feel is home. The most fundamental difference I feel now as opposed to before is...I...stopped...struggling. I gave up the struggle to be anything other than who I am...right now.
I have sat down to write here every morning, and there were some days I realized I had nothing to say, so I didn't write anything, and I was fine with that. There have been days when I did have something to say, and so I wrote, but didn't feel like publishing it. I was fine with that too. I have moved with my spirit, or let it move me, and have actually gotten more done in the past week than I have in a long time. And with it comes a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in way too long. It is like I move and have my being within this new found sense of home.
Years ago I read this: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ( Hebrew 11:1 ) Faith is the actual substance of what we hope for. Meaning the vision we hold within us, which is initially unseen in the physical world, is the very substance that manifests it into being. It is what our dreams are made of. The vision of it takes shape, and we hope for it, and and if we believe in that hope, it matures into knowing, which is faith, and the knowing solidifies the shape of it within us, fills it full, and from there it is manifested into the seen. Everything in this created world was brought into being through faith. Once faith is established, we can't help but act accordingly. We will act on what we see, or perceive within us, and bring it to fruition, good, bad, or indifferent. The law of faith is exact, and every single one of us is practicing it whether we are consciously aware of it or not. I will say that without the wisdom love holds within its gaze, faith will produce nothing of real lasting value. It is far better to drop our fear, and express love, than to have our faith be fear based.
It feels like my hope for home matured into faith, and I am at rest in it, and now I am beginning to see the signs of it being manifested and expressed through me. There have been things occur within this past week that have amazed me, and it is almost like I am a witness to my own vision being manifested outside me. I can honestly say it almost appears magical.
Here's the greatest thing about this sense of home I have been experiencing within me....no one can take it from me. The vision of it is mine, the experience of it is mine, the expression of it is mine, wherever I happen to be. It is not attached to anything on the outside of me. Indeed, the events unfolding on the outside of me are a direct result of where I live on the inside of me. I became one with the vision I held in hope, I merely stepped into it completely. I no longer separated myself from it, or perceived myself separate from it...I stopped struggling, stopped finding any reason why it could not be so, and in doing so...
I came home.