Definitions

I once had a conversation with a man who said he didn't feel like a man, and then stated all the reasons for his feeling that way.  The reasons he gave had to do with another person, a woman he lived with, and he felt absolutely right about her being the cause of how he felt.  I knew the woman he spoke of, and while she may have had her quirks, she was not the cause of his feeling less than a man.  That particular feeling/belief came long before she entered his picture.

After listening to him for awhile I said, "But you are a man.  I don't see the problem."  I did see the problem, but I desired that simple statement to sift through his consciousness for awhile.  I watched the simple truth of it dawn within him, and then I asked, "What makes a man?  What is your personal definition of "man"?  For it is certain I am sitting here having a conversation with one."  That opened the door in his mind to possibilities and viewpoints he hadn't considered, and from that point on I witnessed him relax in himself as a man.

I have witnessed a break down in communication time and time again over personal definitions, and more importantly, because of the attachment of self identity to those definitions.  Add to that what we consider good and bad, and yeah, we've got quite the tangle.  Personally, when I look up a word in the dictionary, and I do all the time, I don't attach good or bad to the definition given.  In fact, the concept of good and bad doesn't even enter into my thought.  It's simply a definition.  And I certainly don't attach it to myself!

Here's an example of a communication breakdown because of a difference in definitions...

Most of my conversations with a person close to me, let's call her Martha, break down because of what she thinks I am saying when I speak to her.  She has quite a bit of resentment in her, and it is completely understandable why it exists.  Given the same circumstances, and walking through the same conditions, I would probably feel the same way.  Here's the difference...my definition of resentment isn't the same as hers, and for sure, I don't see it as evil or bad having it in my kingdom.  I also don't see it as attached to my identity.  Do I like it when it's present within me?  No, it just tells me I haven't completely let go of something I gave, in whatever form it was given, because I thought it wasn't appreciated, or worse, even noticed.  As soon as I let go of the gift, viola!, no more resentment gnawing at my insides.  It is more important to me to have the festering of resentment gone from me than it is to be shown appreciation.  And now that I know what the deal is with resentment, before giving anything, I check to make sure my giving is going to be done free and clear of any outcome I may desire.  If there is even the slightest possibility that resentment may occur, I don't give until I know I can fully release the gift.  Period.  But that's me.

Now, Martha's definition of resentment is quite different.  If I said something like, "It's resentment that is making you unhappy," she thinks I just said she's evil.  Nowhere in that statement did I attach resentment to her personally.  Nowhere in my thought when saying it did I attach resentment to her identity, because, simply, I don't see her that way.  But more importantly, resentment isn't a person...its a feeling.  We aren't our feelings.  Feelings are fluid, they come and go...kinda like happiness.  Yet Martha cannot find acceptance that there might be resentment within her because of what that would mean about her by her own definition.  She thinks I just attacked her person, and believing and feeling she was just attacked, she goes to defend herself by attacking in kind.  At that point is when I get off the wheel.  Yet there she is, feeling hurt with her absolute conviction that after all she's given, this is what she gets...

So yeah, an unnecessary breakdown in communication...no one to blame.  Only mistaken. 

Which leads me to another point.  Where did we originally get our definitions about anything, but most especially regarding ourselves?  Throughout my own personal journey, I found many of the definitions I had regarding myself, and my world in general, were placed there by others.  It took some work to disentangle myself from what belonged to someone else that I happened to take on.  Some I chose to keep because I discovered they jived with what I truly felt, but most of them I dropped completely, and redefined myself.  I found the easiest way to do that was to go first to the simple facts, which is the truth.  First - I AM.  I exist.  No question or argument at all about that.  It's a fact.  Next - I'm female.  Anything I attach to myself after those two facts is on me, and my own definitions for what constitutes being me, and what I feel being a female is all about.  Both are constantly evolving and aren't attached to any one thing, inside or outside me.  I've found its better not to attach myself to any one definition, and just allow my life and expression to speak for itself.  I ask myself, what do I desire to experience, or what am I experiencing, and what or how do I desire to express myself within it?  Somewhere in between is where I find a happy medium.  But I never lose sight of the fact that behind all of it, my definitions, feelings, thoughts, etc., is the simple fact that I am.  In the end, that's all that matters, everything else is just art :).

I am the presence
that notices
what I feel and think

I am the presence
never changing
behind all
that I express

I am the artist
playing with
all the colors
of life

I am the force behind
each brush stroke
I add to the canvas
of this life given me

I am the student learning
from the Master Creator
who held a vision unseen
and painted it into seen

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