The Sound of the Heart

Behind the dark walls
deep in a dungeon
a candle sits
waiting for the spark
of conscious will
to light it

The walls were built
long ago
wounds gathered up
and collected
added to, over time
each one, a reminder

Protect the heart
Protect the heart
a false note sings

I saw the walls
heard the wounds singing
off key
ignored them all
reached in
with a trembling hand
and lit the candle

The breath of Spirit
fanned the tiny flame
to Life
with shadows rising
in retaliation
pressing themselves
in grotesque shapes
against the inner walls

Built as guardians
the shadows rose
a call to battle
against the light
escaping
from within

The flame grew
in Silence
shadows dropping
before it
as it spread
remaining shadows running
to surface

And out of the flame
came one pure note
All the Love
that had been
imprisoned deep within
behind dark walls
of shadow
sang one pure shout
crumbling the dark
walls like Jericho
to nothing.

The heart is free
The heart is free
Through the Light of Love
a True Note sounds

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Snow Day!

Facing east before sunrise

I awoke this morning before sunrise, and as I looked out the window a blanket of fresh snow greeted me.  The snow began falling yesterday, but the earth was still too warm from the previous days for it to accumulate on the ground.  Evidently, overnight, the ground finally surrendered to the cold, and allowed the snow to cover it. 

Just a couple of nights ago we had a warm front full of moisture blow in, bringing with it major storms and tornadoes.  I haven't seen a sky like that since I was stationed in Oklahoma when I was in the Army.  After my roommate and I battened down the hatches, and put our vehicles, and critters, in the garage, I went outside to watch the show the sky was putting on.  It was awesome to behold. 

It's been strange weather we've had goin' on here.  This winter has not really been a winter.  Trees started budding about a month or so ago, bulbs began shooting up out of the ground, pets are shedding their winter fur, bees and ants have awakened early, and frogs are singing out of season.  I've jokingly said to some, "It's like Mother Earth is in menopause or something...all moody, with hot flashes." 

Putting the strangeness of the weather aside, today is a snow day, and I don't know about you, but there is something about new snow that lifts my spirits, and just like I felt when I was a child, delight and wonder filled me, and I had to be in it. 

Ta Da! 

I hurriedly put some clothes on, not caring if they were clean or dirty, choosing what was nearest to me.  Did a quick brush of the hair, (definitely in the "awkward locks" stage :), grabbed my camera, and out I went with my roommate right behind me.  An angel had to be made. 

My roommate opted out of making a snow angel, but I couldn't help myself.  It's been years since I made one, the last time...well, that's another story.  Today, I plopped myself down on the ground, and fanned my arms and legs in and out, and viola!  Snow Angel!  The cold against my backside, the crunchy sound, the scent of the clean, clean air, the morning sky smiling down on me, snowflakes kissing my face...my God, I felt my heart lift, and a much needed laugh bubbled up and out from the depth of me, shaking loose the stress of the past few weeks.

Snow Angel!

After the fun, my roommate, who is of Cherokee descent, said we needed to get pictures of each of us facing our own direction.  She's a strong believer in the Sacred Medicine Wheel, and has been teaching me about the way of the Wheel.  Without going into a lot of detail here, I'm going to greatly simplify it, (there is so much more to it), and say that each of us holds a position on the wheel, dependent on the day and month we were born, and that position directly correlates with the 8 directions, N, NE, E, SE, S, etc.  Animals, (or totems), flowers, stones, etc., also play an important role in our unique placement on the Wheel.  My personal direction, profound in so many ways, is Northwest...and my totem is the Owl. 

My Roommate

So we each took a picture of each other, with her standing, and looking a whole lot more dignified, and beautiful, than I ever could.  I couldn't help it...I had a big ole goofy grin on my face.  I can't say that I've honestly believed my roommate, when she has said that sitting, sleeping, and facing our direction helps us in so many ways, but I can say this...in facing my direction this morning, I felt love rise up in my heart.  Because the Northwest, in this country, is where my heart lives.  Not only has it been a dream that took hold of me when I was 12 years old, and hasn't let go, but now, the "direction of my birth," ( on the wheel ), seems to be calling me with a loud, clear voice.  A song rises out of the NW, a baby, family, friends, all my relations, singing...come.  And here I stand, miles and miles away, facing NW, with a goofy grin on my face, silently answering.

Facing my direction

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The Hair On My Head, Walmart Parking Lots, and Writing

At the beginning of the year, I decided to make one resolution - I'm letting my hair grow out.  While that may not appear to be very ambitious, and not necessarily a goal that requires a whole lot of effort on my part, those reasons are part of why I chose it.  I asked myself what I want to change, etc., made a list, and decided to choose the one thing that wouldn't take much out of me to do.  After several years of feeling like I had been pushed to my very limits, and beyond, on so many levels, I wanted to give myself a breather.  Other than walking around with awkward looking locks while my hair goes through stages of growth, it's simply a matter of sitting back and waiting, and periodically getting a trim so the ends don't fray.  I've talked about letting my hair grow out for years, but my hair doesn't grow very fast, and for some mysterious reason I didn't think I'd have the patience to walk through the time it took.  It seemed easier just to keep it the way it was.  Yet...I've had the same style cut and length for so long, I can't even remember a time when it was different.  I think the last time I had my hair long is when I was 13 years old.  How sad is that?  So yeah, I felt it was high time to give the hair on my head a new look.  So far so good in heading toward goal :].

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Walmart parking lots are all the same.  I really didn't notice that little fact until I moved here to this town and state, a part of the country I'd never been to or seen before, knowing only two people in the entire area, having only met one of them through conversations on the phone.  The other one I've known since he was a 6 year old boy, who used to antagonize my daughter at the bus stop by pulling on her pony tail.

While I do have a love for adventure, I don't knock the sense of safety familiarity can bring.  It's a relief at times, an exhale of breath, after treading foreign ground, when our nerves are drawn tight, our senses spread out like antennae while we navigate our way through unfamiliar territory.

I hadn't been here very long, and after I found the Walmart, parked, got out of my truck, and started walking toward the entrance, I got a sudden sense of deja vu.  I stopped walking, and took a good look around.  If not for what lay beyond the parking lot, I could be standing in any Walmart parking lot in the country, and I've been in quite a few.  I stood there for a long time, marveling at the wash of relief I experienced with that bit of knowledge.  I remember thinking, "I'm okay.  I'm going to be okay.  This isn't some other planet with strange aliens where I find myself now.  It's just another town, with other folks, much like anywhere else on this earth."  And just like that, I felt the fear of the new and unknown leave me.  I had touched the familiar, and felt safe again, my confidence returned and I felt a can do attitude take over.  I was okay.

****

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I last posted here.  I have been writing, but mostly in emails, in my notebook, and on Notepad on this computer.  I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I haven't posted here - good ones, like being in the midst of a move, looking for a job, having sketchy internet service.  But mostly, I've found myself freaked out by all the sudden changes, in a state of in between, on foreign ground, feeling almost paralyzed by it all, not knowing where to point my feet.  

After a few days living under this new roof, I told my roommate I was going to Sheetz, ( a convenience store I frequented often, over by where I used to live).  She asked me why, when "that's a far piece down the road."  (She made it sound like "fur piece" cuz that's the way folks talk 'round these parts :).  I told her I needed to go someplace familiar, with folks who'll recognize me, be glad to see me.  I was feeling too off kilter, and frightened by all the strangeness.  So off I went, and felt better after I got there, because just like stepping onto the Walmart parking lot, it felt like things weren't so foreign anymore. 

One of the most important things I learned last year is the necessity of being kind to myself, taking care to give myself what I need, whatever that may be, however long it takes, or however silly it may seem.  It's okay to be gentle.  I don't need to be brave, or courageous, or strong, or push against fear all the time.  Sometimes what I need is to surrender to that within me that says...enough...let your hair down, take a breath, go to a safe place, wherever that is.  Go slow, walk gently.  Let others in, let them touch you, allow them to help...until you feel the warmth of an embrace that whispers, "You are okay, you are safe, and you are not alone."

Let that in.

Because I've learned that if I don't, I'm no good to anyone else.  But also, I'm not open to anyone else giving, or offering a loving hand to me either.

Today, I've finally given myself the space and time to write.  To hell with the to do lists, they can wait.  I'm not writing at a time I generally like to write, nor are my surroundings orderly, made to feel like my own, but when I'm away from writing too long, I feel even more strange and out of sorts, off kilter.  I need it.  It's a love of mine, and familiar, like home to me.  Like the hair on my head, growing slowly into a new expression, but still familiar.  Or like Walmart parking lots, where the sameness, in the midst of a different city, brings the sense that all is okay.

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