A New Song

This evening, at dusk, I saw a star fall to the south.  I've never seen that before, a star falling when the sky still has light from a sun that has gone down past the horizon.  It was so beautiful, I had to smile in awe...and whisper thank you.  It was a sign, after all, and I suddenly felt all within me heave a huge sigh of relief. 

So, all is right in the world, at least in part...okay, maybe a small part, but that small part will grow, and have far reaching effects.  What was done, is now undone.  What was made, is now unmade, and a new form rises.  A new song is created to sing into existence something exquisitely beautiful with the peace that it brings.

The old song, and way, goes under the cloud of forgetting.  And a promise shines forth for those who will reach for, accept, and receive it.

Onward, Ho!

---

Alone

You gave me a purpose

before I was born

while in the womb

you thought I was yours

alone

You secretly whispered

kept me pinned inside

with words of fear

we, against the world

alone

I was not born

for the job you gave me

I am not here for you

alone

I am here

as an answer

for others as well

as you

alone


same as you.


So let me be, woman!

give me some space

find those others

you are here for

outside of me

alone.

---

Steps Into the Unknown

My daughter didn't begin walking on her own until she was exactly a year old.  To move around, she'd either hang onto things for support, or crawl.  Not like we didn't try with her, but as soon as we let go she'd go straight to her bum, then crawl her way to discovery. 

On her first birthday she was standing next to the couch, hanging on, when suddenly she became still, almost appearing as if she was listening to something no one else could hear.  Then, she...let...go...and took her first step away from support.  She's been walking by herself ever since.  That should have given me a clue to what life would be like with her.  Actually, the clue was given to me before that while she was in the womb.  She was 3 weeks late.  She has been this way all her life so far, not doing a thing until she is good and ready.

Some of us are like my daughter when making a step into the unknown all by our lonesome.  Some of us are daring, and don't think twice about making that step.  Some of us need a nudge of encouragement.  However, the common element behind it all is we must make the step alone.  Then we must take another step, then another, alone, until we have found the strength to be able to do it without thinking.  Along the way we do have support, yet now it stands beside us, hopefully encouraging us in spirit. 

In anything new we do there comes a time when we must make that first step away to find out if we have it in us to do a thing alone.  We can feel wobbly, scared, hesitant, afraid of falling, but we must do it anyway.  The first few, or even several, attempts may indeed have us falling on our face, or bums.  Yet as a baby does, we need to pick ourselves up and try it again.  If a baby has the courage to take a step into the unknown, and continue on, then why don't we?  The only difference I see between a baby and me is fear.  I have it, the baby doesn't. 

--

The Message

form with no spirit is shadow
an illusion of the authentic
motivated by desire
to appease guilt
an act done only for oneself
with the pretense it's done for another
the effect of, which is
so another carries
the burden instead
be free of guilt in truth
turn around, make amends
walk the purifying fire
no longer be enslaved
The Message all along
then, and only then
is life felt more
abundantly yours.

--

Celebrate, Oh Daughter!

Oh brave One!
You walked the fire
let Truth spring from your lips
set another free
of a burden
he thought was his
Now you find
your fear was unfounded
no longer do you need
to hide
he remains by you
with the forgiving spirit
of love in his heart
Life is yours again 

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.  I actually don't believe in them.  Yet that doesn't change the fact they exist in life, nor that there are times we need to move on for reasons of our own.  For a very long time I refused to hear a goodbye from others.  I also feared a goodbye, born from abandonment issues, which had me behaving in awesomely stupid ways. 

I have said goodbye to many things in the last 5 years.  Too many.  I suppose there comes a time in our lives when a re-evaluation needs to be made.  That time doesn't generally come at our beckoning.  No, instead it comes like a wave crashing in on our party.  The entire ocean is behind the force of it, flooding all in its path, no table left unturned. 

I'm still not comfortable with them, and notice my goodbyes have a flair for the dramatic.  Especially if I'm saying goodbye to something important to me.  I tend to be kinda flairy anyway, so there you have it.  I don't like having to leave anything behind, yet I've learned there is something to be said for progress.  We must move forward, or we stagnate.  We can't bring everything with us in the move, especially if it's a person who doesn't agree, and desires for things to stay as they are.  Nothing wrong with that.  And I'm not leaving the person, although it may appear that way...I'm saying goodbye to a way of being I no longer desire.  I do see I am the one, after all, who desires progress.  Sacrifices must be made for the greater good.  Pisses me off, quite frankly, but that's only because I don't want to make the sacrifice. 

Look at the kiss in the photograph above.  He is saying goodbye to the war...but also saying hello to a new way.  I didn't see that before regarding goodbyes.  I only focused on the part that hurt.  Now I see we really can't have one without the other.  The way giving and receiving are one, there would be no giving without the receiver, and vice versa.  Now that I see it, my view is clear.  What I am doing is moving toward the hello. 

A new way.  And my path is straight. 

---

Phoenix

Come

          play with me

               I'm burning off

                          the dross

               leaving it behind

          in ashes

    from them, I rise

                  again, fiery

             a desert wind

    scent of spice

                 kicking up dust

                              playfully

                under a cool moon

             while an owl

   calmly looks on

more wise

--

Breaking Through The Eggshell

As I've been going along, since jumping into the empty space of creation with both feet, I've noticed a pressure building from within me.

Now please understand something...I was in the Well of Grief for quite some time, and I had many people telling me to be at peace.  Nothing wrong with that where Grief is concerned.  Yet now that I'm out of the Well, and have found myself on this empty page of possibility, I'm excited.  And I still have folks telling me to be at peace.  I'm not sure what peace looks like to them, but in my humble estimation peace is a state of being which is very much alive.  It is a state of acceptance for all that IS.  For me, it's not really the absence of anything in particular, it's an inclusion of all parts of life...good, bad, or indifferent.  My purpose all along has been to find a place within me where I am at peace with life itself.  ALL of life...not just the bits I find to my liking.

That said, pressure, or discontent, or discomfort, aren't necessarily a bad thing to experience as long as we are willing to take a look at why they're showing up in our kingdom at all.  It's our avoidance of these feelings that tend to get us, or me anyway, into trouble.  Mother Earth, after all, has no problem venting the pressure she feels deep within her.  And for the most part, in light of what She's truly capable of, and in light of the level of hate heaped upon her, Her fits are rather mild.  She holds Herself in check, holds herself together in the midst of her storms.  If she held it in, avoided it for whatever reason, she'd most likely implode, taking us right along with her. 

So I've been feeling a pressure building.  I think about a chick in an egg.  I know that sounds random, but hang in there with me.  A mother hen will wait until she hears a chirp from her chick within the egg.  She will then answer with her own soft call to begin stimulating the chick to start breaking it's shell to reach her.  What drove the chick to make a sound?  I think about the journey of a chick, all comfy for awhile, snug in it's own quiet little world.  Yet after a time it begins growing too big for that world.  How uncomfortable it must be for them, with no room to move, all cramped up.  I think I'd start spouting sound too, and the discomfort and discontent of being in tight quarters would be a driving force to break free.

It can take up to two days for a chick to finally finish breaking out of it's eggshell.  Oh sure, it takes coffee breaks now and then, but not for too long, because it instinctively knows it will stagnate and die if it doesn't break free.  For the chick, it is literally a life or death situation.  Avoiding the pressure to be free of it's small world can be dangerous.  What if it said to itself and it's mother, "Ya know, I don't really want to let go of this cush apartment, because I don't know what's out there.  I'm afraid of the unknown."  It dies.

And something important dies within us if we ignore the same signal calling us to break free from a world we've made too small.  Sure it's scary to think about, and I can experience feelings of being a fish out of water, self consciousness, but I can't let that stop me from making a break for it. 

I cried out, and something out there unseen in the Universe answered with a call of its own to get me to start pecking at the hard shell I had encased around me.  It can't do the work for me, I have to do it.  I have to choose to do it.  The closer I get to freedom, the louder the call I sense, and the more excited I feel about this new way of life that now feels like a promise.  Now I have to check myself for impatience, because I'd like nothing more than to skip to the good part, and put the cart before the horse.  I'm recognizing how important it is to take a deep breath and pace myself.  I don't want to allow impatience to get the better of me, or what I feel coming.

I have a friend who reminds me all the time to be deliberate.  As I tremble with excitement and anticipation, slowing down in deliberation, staying in the moment instead of trying to leap into the future for the outcome, is becoming more of a challenge the closer I get.  But something tells me it's going to be oh so worth it.

--

Deception

I lied

said I didn't care

when I do

I hid my love

came from a place

to protect my heart

came from a view

of a threat

she made herself

a secret enemy

I couldn't expose

the place to use

against me

Yet in my fear

I see

I gave her

the perfect weapon

you believed

the lie

--

Smoke and Mirrors

Yes, I have this nasty habit...but that's about to change.  It came in a flash the other day, like a conversation with myself:

"I'm quitting." I said aloud, out of left field.
 "What? When?" said my addictive nature.  I could feel her shock and anxiety begin to kick in.
 "March 11, 2011."  I said.
Don't ask me where I got the date, because I have no idea.  It was a random day that just kind of flew into my mind and out of my mouth before I could think about it.
"Uhhhh...well, you don't want to think about this?  Where did this crazy idea come from?"
She was already getting jittery just thinking about not having her fix...and the ETA wasn't for another month!
"Don't know, but it's a done deal, so gird yourself."

Here's the thing:  With this move on my part to stop avoiding, stop hiding, etc., a realization hit me like a slap on the face...the reason I smoke.  I quit smoking once, for 3 years, then started back up again after a divorce.  I had this dream, not long after, of this female being who floated into my room, and was digging around in my stuff.  She was powerful, and made me nervous.  Then she got into one of my drawers and pulled out my pack of smokes, and said, "Hrmm...interesting choice."  I got pissed at her and told her to put them back.  She laughed, put them down, and disappeared.  That dream has stuck with me ever since.  Now and then it will come back to me, and I've pondered the meaning.

I smoke to avoid.  I use them like a magic show with smoke and mirrors.  I'm done with that.  I originally thought I smoked because I wouldn't give myself a break, and they were my excuse to take one.  That is partly true, and was very true for a long time.  But not since picking them back up.  I was avoiding so many things, and like with any addiction, when things got uncomfortable or too squirrely for me, I went and had a smoke.

I began noticing what I'd move to do to avoid unpleasantness since making this commitment here on this blog, namely...I'd go for a smoke.  As soon as I noticed what I was doing, that hidden thing in me was exposed.  The jig was up.  And I can honestly say that now I don't necessarily enjoy them anymore like I once did...or thought I did.

Anyway, March 11th, 2011, I'm done with smoking.  In the meantime, I'm gearing everything in me to support this decision.  I really don't know where the date came from, but later, I added the numbers up, and they equal a nine...completion.  Perfect.

By the way, wondering why I took the picture of my pack of smokes in the grass?  Me too!  I know I laughed when the idea struck.  So fun times!

--

Poems...I Guess...

 They may not be fancy, but this is how they spring from me. 


Link

They say

they miss me,

sounding miffed,

because I have

not connected.

Yet I have!

Sending them all

my love

a link, a wink

the elected.

"You can find me

here

if you want to know

what's goin on

in my life."

What can I say

if they choose not

to look

but instead decide

for strife?

  
Snits Begone!


Isn't it odd, I find it odd,

how another thinks

I should be and act?

Do it this way, be that way.

Why?  So they feel better

after the fact?

Let me be,

I'm walking my path,

the way I see fit.

And if you don't like it,

then back off

I don't want to see your snit.

  
Jealous One


I'm not the one

who can't let go

I did

years long past.

I didn't lie

when I said its done

it is you

who makes it last.

What bothers you

a thought, an image

of another man's

touch on my heart?

You desired to

be the only one

to have a claim

on my chart?

But you have,

this is true

yet you won't believe

when I say,

you have my entire

life and soul

humming with

where you play.


--

Presently Present

The past week has been a rather hellacious week for me, and while I was tempted to luxuriate in self pity, thinking I was the only one being picked on by Life, I can't ignore the theme that appears to be present behind all of our lives.  Namely, LET... GO.  My family and I, friends, people I have encountered the past week, are dealing with some hard truth lately.  There has been one revelation after another, and it appears things are coming unglued.  What is coming unglued?  What we thought we knew.  While a bit shocking to our system, it is truth we have to face, and facing it requires letting go of what we imagined, or want to be there.

We have a choice of course.  We can cling to our fantasies and say, no, you can't have it!  Or, we can let them go, realizing even in the midst of our hurt, truth is better because it's real.  We can choose to be present, in this new, to us, version of reality, letting ourselves adapt to the "change."  After all, it is viewed as change from our perception.  Truth stands, and doesn't change no matter how much we wish it did.  Another thing we have to accept.  Actually, the only thing we need to accept. 

Truth is Truth, and will reveal Itself in it's own sweet time, of that we can be certain, no matter how much we'd like to put blinders on, or manipulate, control, or go around it.  It rises like the sun appears to bleary eyes after a night of drinking.  At first we squint, and raise our hand in defense, yelling, "Ack!  Bright light!  Bright light!"  Ouch.  So it really does behoove us to get honest and real with ourselves, then with others before that happens.  The consequences are much less severe.  I know I don't care to walk through the consequences of my actions any more than the next guy, but I have found it's much better for me if I willingly go there instead of having humble pie forced down my throat.

So I haven't gotten much done while my little fantasy world has been rocked this way and that.  I've thought about it, doing something, like cleaning and whatnot, but that's as far as I managed to go.  Instead, I've found myself sitting in a kind of stupor.  Numb, with a distant kind of sick feeling twisting my gut. Yet I decided to be present while Truth pummeled me with it's arrows.  I waited for my eyes to adjust to the light, for my system to acclimate itself to this new environment, because I've had enough experience and practice to know that Truth, while appearing harsh at first, is friendly.  And its better for me if I make friendly relations with It.  For what I find after I've adapted to the light of truth is this....

Wonder.  The sheer wonder of it all.

Beauty unfolds before my eyes as the light reveals things I didn't see before, because I was too caught up in keeping my head under the covers of darkness.  This morning, I watched the full moon set, then turned around and watched the sun rise with the morning star.  I was so glad to be present for it, as opposed to being caught up in my own hurt, to be able to notice and appreciate it.  I breathed deep, and thanked God for my breath, for being alive and on this fantastic journey.  The sun rose, and I, with my eyes uncovered...Smiled.

Forgiveness

A friend of mine pointed out once that I am dedicated more than most.  Perhaps.  Or maybe I know something he doesn't yet.

That said...I want to share something that came to me in the middle of the night at the beginning of the new year:

Into the depths 
of the sea we go
what you'll find 
is beyond belief,

Yet believe you will 
when the journey is done,
because forgiveness 
brings relief.

We left the boat awhile back, my friend.

Cupid's Wings and Arrows

It's Valentines Day.  I had forgotten until this evening when a little girl who lives in the neighborhood brought my mother a heart shaped balloon and flower to let her know how much she loves her.  I suppose we need the show of a gift to remember such things.

Maybe that's not true though.  I was with my son-in-law last night when he picked out 2 Valentines cards to send to my daughter who is in boot camp at the moment.  I couldn't miss that it was Valentines.  The store was covered with the reminder. 

There have been times in my life when I've been alone during Valentines Day.  In fact, I would say there have been more times I've been without a Valentine than I've had one.  Yet this is the first time I didn't care.  I think it's amusing I actually forgot!  It could mean I've given up on love.  It could mean a lot of things, or nothing at all.  But here's what I know...

Love is a mystery.  The heart loves who it loves, and there doesn't seem to be a damn thing we can do about it.  Love has this way of making itself known in our hearts regardless of what we may think about it, or the person our hearts have settled on.  I am in love...this I know.  Is it returned?  No.  He did once, not long ago...and the magic of his love evoked my voice to sing again.  Does it matter he doesn't return it anymore?  Sometimes...but no.  It doesn't matter to my heart.  All I can do is surrender.  Make peace with my heart.  It does me no good to disagree with it.  It does me no good to argue.

Oh, I have my moments when I beg for mercy.  When the voice of the love in my heart is so intense I am literally trembling with the power of it.  In those moments I have no choice but to humbly bow my head and say, "Have your way with me.  I can do no more.  Be kind, be kind."  Love, after all, is teaching me something.  I have learned the wisdom inherent in Love is deeply profound.  Priceless.

I used to dream about having and giving love, and it looked and felt like what I see when I behold that painting above by Vettriano.  I own that painting.  It was a Valentines present from my mother and daughter one year.  They know me so well.  Yet I see way more than what is seen on the surface of that painting.  I see a free kind of love that doesn't care about how it looks...it just desires to dance with itself.

I do hope the love in my heart manifests itself one day.  That in the eyes of another I see my own love staring back at me, and then takes me in his arms and the dance begins.  I do know its possible.  But I'll have to wait until Love has taught me what it will regarding who it's arrow now points toward.  Until then...all I can do is love him.

And move on the best I am able.

Life

...is messy.

Good thing I like finger painting and coloring outside the lines.

Fishing

The last couple of days have been an interesting study in fishing.  I decided not long ago that I was done pushing for pretty much anything, and opting instead to kick back on the banks of the river and cast my reel, and wait for the fish to come to me.  I'll wait for what is mine.  In the meantime I'd busy myself with what needs done around here, which is no small matter. 

As stated a couple of days ago, I was verklempt over my daughter being gone, and the house truly isn't the same without her here, and I allowed a day of getting "the missing" out of my system.  ( However, I still can't get myself to pick up her clothes she left on the bathroom floor.  Meh, it'll pass ).  I did get a few things done yesterday while I listened to some music and kinda disappeared for awhile.  Later in the day people began appearing for "talks."  First my mother, then my son-in-law, then last night a woman I met not long after I arrived here.  She lives in the neighborhood, sorta, I think, and last night was the third time she came to my door.  We ended up talking until 2AM this morning. 

I've been enjoying seeing what shows up on my line.  I allow it in, visit, then let it go when it departs.  And not only people, but events as well.  I don't disregard an invite out of hand.  Like tonight my mother and I were invited to a book signing by a friend whose job it is to promote authors.  We realized we didn't have the money for fuel to get there and decided we wouldn't go.  The friend decided she really wants us there so she's picking us up.  Guess we're goin' after all.  The author is also giving a free class in conjunction with signing her new book.  Sounds like fun.  I'll let you know. 

By the way, the painting above is by Chuck Rose.  You can find him here:  strugglingtopaint.blogspot.com

Lasting Image

My daughter left for the Navy today, and this image is the last I had of her.  I walked after her to capture just one more picture before she was out the door, and my movement made the picture blur.  I look at it now and consider it a fitting image of the day, and the last moment with her...time and movement that went by entirely too fast.

Then she was gone.

I was fine for awhile, and excited for her.  Then I made the mistake of considering baking some cookies, her favorite, and I thought, won't she be delighted when she gets home.  That's when it hit ... the missing.

I'm verklempt...talk amongst yourselves....

The Mouse of Power

I'm one of those people who look for signs from the Universe, or Spirit, or God, whatever you want to call It.  Over the years I've learned It truly does communicate with us in all kinds of weird ways.  There is a dialogue going on between us and all that we see and hear and sense.  I've learned to tune in, especially when I have days like today.

So, I wasn't able to look for a job, and I didn't get moved in.  I got up early this morning and did my usual thing where I go outside, sit in my chair on the porch, soak in the morning sun, drink my tea, and give thanks for breathing and whatnot.  After I got done with that I came in here to the computer, turned it on, and my mouse wasn't working.  Yes, I'm a mouse person.  I thought, well, it's probably the batteries, because I saw the little red light blinking last night.  I picked up the mouse to see how it comes undone to change the batteries.  (It's a wireless).  I got some more tea, took it and my mouse and a knife, (for prying the mouse open if need be), and sat listening to the birds while trying to figure out my mouse.  It was too complicated for me.

So...I thought, well, I'll just change to another one.  I knew I had a couple laying about somewhere, and went in search of them.  Took me longer than I thought.  I finally found another in my SUV I was supposed to unpack.  I did manage to bring two containers into the house from my SUV while I was searching for another mouse, so that does count as beginning to move it all in.  Anyway, I hooked up the mouse to the computer, and my computer didn't recognize it.  Huh?  I thought that was weird, then thought perhaps I need a different keyboard.  Those just happen to be laying about here handy, so it didn't take as long to come up with one.  I plugged it in, and nada.  Now I couldn't move my mouse or access my keyboard.  My computer just wasn't recognizing any new hardware.  What the hell?

A few weeks ago my computer was infected, and it took me until a couple of days ago to finally get it clean.  The malware and bugs that infected my pc took over Windows, and it was just a nasty episode of my life.  I was also battling the flu, so needless to say I was rather bitchy, and there was lots of cussing that I'm sure had the neighbors covering their ears.  I haven't been able to look for employment online since the infection, which is the only place we can do it nowadays, and now this.  ( I have gone out and about, and all the places I've been seeking employment tell me to apply online.)  I had every intention of filling out apps to my hearts content for most of the day, and when I found my pc not working this morning, I felt my eyes narrowing menacingly, and I seriously wanted to go off.

After a brief time of ranting and raving about computers, internet, and it seeming like the Universe was against me finding work, I finally went outside again, with cup of tea in hand, to chill out.  I did breathing exercises, little mantras, etc., working to calm myself and to sit quietly and listen.  Instead, it turned into an argument with the Universe, so I threw up my hands and decided to get busy.

The desk and surrounding area where my computer sits was surrounded by and being attacked on all fronts by enormous dust bunnies with teeth.  I decided it was time for them to die.  I unplugged everything from everything, and put it all in the living room behind me.  I cleaned out the shelf of this desk, that my daughter had stuffed full of Lord knows what.  I ended up finding all kinds of interesting things, not the least was one of my favorite CD's I lost months ago.  I was so happy to see it I immediately popped it into the player and let it calm me.

I pulled the desk out from the wall, and omg, the wall.  I don't even want to know what had been spilled on it at some points of time.  I got a rag, and some all purpose cleaner, took it into the kitchen to fill up the sink with hot water....and there were dishes.  Sigh.  I threw another fit, then loaded the dishwasher.  I was finally able to fill the sink with water and cleaner, and clean the wall.  Well, the floor hadn't been cleaned under or around the desk either in who knows how long, so I cleaned it too.

Periodically throughout the day I considered what the Universe was trying to tell me.  But frankly?  Every time I went to tune in, I realized I was still pissed, so turned my back on It with my nose going in the air and me quietly saying, "hmphf!"  I was getting close to finishing, when my mother comes in and announces she's got a Doctor's appointment.  My mother does that kind of thing, waits until the very last minute to tell anyone she's got to go somewhere.  She can't really drive.  Okay, she drives like 40, maybe less, and her spatial sense is all askew since the stroke.  Then she says, "Well, I could probably drive myself..."  Today I was in the mood to let her.  But I was nice and said, "No, it's okay...I'll take you."  She knew I wasn't happy about it though.  So my work was put on hold, and off we went to the Doctor.  As luck would have it, it didn't take that long, but then my mother wanted to "make a quick stop at Walgreens."  There is nothing quick about my mother...she just can't go that fast in anything she does.  So I gritted my teeth and took her to Walgreens.  Finally we came back home.

I put my computer back together, and...nothing.  Not even the monitor was getting a signal.  I seriously checked everything I could check.  My mother had an old computer and monitor, etc., laying about, so I decided to hook it up, thinking I could use it until I figured out what was going on with mine.  It did the same exact thing, including the monitor not working.  Well, I thought, that's just impossible!  But it told me it wasn't the infection causing it on my computer.  So that was good I guess...

I got to messing around here and there, mixing this part and that component, and turned around at some point and saw the wireless mouse laying next to my keyboard on a chair.  It was open!  The batteries were showing!  I thought, wow, so that's how ya get the thing open...then wondered how it got open sitting on the chair.  But I was happy it used batteries I actually have around, and so I quickly replaced them, and closed it up.  I decided to use it and my keyboard with the old computer, just to see....and it worked.  Monitor, mouse, and keyboard could be used.  How is that possible?  Why did both computers not work with other mouses and keyboards and monitors?  I decided to hook up my computer and monitor with the newly batteried mouse and keyboard, and viola!  It worked too!  What the hell?  I have no idea.

By the time I was done the sun had gone down, and I had spent my day battling mouses, dust bunnies, dishes, and streaks on walls.  The above picture is the finished product, and the other is the Mouse of Power.  I was too pissed earlier, so didn't have the presence of mind to take a "before" picture.  You'll just have to take my word for it.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I've got to get up and see my daughter off to the Navy, so I'm sure there will be farewell tears and whatnot.  I'm also very excited for her.

My moving my stuff in from my SUV will have to wait until Wednesday.  As far as applying for some jobs?  Well, I guess I'll have to go with the Universe on that one, and wait for the open door to do so.  But I'll keep tryin'....

Perhaps I'll finally get the Gratitude section of this blog done tomorrow night...

Moving Into My Mother's House

Long story short:  I moved here to my mother's house just a little over a month ago.  My mother had a stroke about a year ago, and while I've been living in Oregon, my daughter and her husband have been living with my mother because she isn't well enough to live on her own.  There's actually quite a bit of back story to this entire situation, but that's not the purpose of this blog.  The purpose is to move forward from where we are right now.  Recently, my daughter joined the Navy, and will be leaving this week for Base Camp.  I've moved here to ensure that my mother is not alone.

So I've been here awhile, and still haven't completely moved in.  That's a picture of my SUV to the left there, and as you can see there are containers still in it.  That's going to change tomorrow.  My plan is to post a picture of an empty SUV after I'm done.   

I could say I haven't moved in yet because there's just no room in this house, or I got the flu for a couple of weeks, etc., but that wouldn't be quite true.  There really isn't much room here, especially with all the stuff my mother has collected, but I'm very talented with making the most out of space.  No, probably what's more true is that every time I look around I don't know where to begin, because this house needs a lot of work done in it, and I tend to get overwhelmed.  There is so much that needs my attention, ( finding a job for starters ), that it will most likely take me many months to bring it all together.  It really does feel like I'm tackling a huge mountain.  You will see as time goes on...

Yet there's no time like the present to begin, and that's why I'm here, writing in this blog, to help me help myself git r done!

So tomorrow is a new day, the flu is gone out of my body, and I plan on hunting for a job until mid-day, then tackling the unpacking of my vehicle, and doing the best I can to find a place for my stuff.  What I can't find a home for I'll try to fit in the storage room for now at the back of the house.  Although that in itself will be a challenge, because it's packed full enough as it is.  Another project.

In the near future I plan on getting rid of a lot of this stuff by having a carport sale, and hopefully help make a few bucks in the process to at least pay for the water bill or something.  After I move in, the next course of action is to begin clearing out and cleaning up the outside of the house, including the storage room.  I'll include before and after photos of my daily projects, if for no other reason than to see my own progress.  It's easy for me to get bogged down in all of it and not see the forest for the trees.  The summers hit early here in the Valley of the Sun, and I need to get started on the outside before it gets too hot to do so. 

So I'm viewing it as getting an early start on Spring cleaning :).

So that's it for now...I'll be back tomorrow evening with an update on my progress.  Until then, I'm rolling up my sleeves, puttin' my boots on, and wading through it.

I Am Here

We can only begin from right where we are.  That's a fact.

I am here.

A friend of mine used to write those words to me on a regular basis, and frankly, I didn't like hearing or reading them.  I didn't like what they meant to me by my own definition.  Now I laugh, because that is right where I am now...here.  Now I can relate to what he was saying then.  I also now understand why it bugged me when he said it.  I didn't like my "here" very much.  I was in extreme discomfort, and I desired to leap right out of it.  My world had been rocked, and turned inside/out in so many ways on so many levels that I felt as if I'd never be okay.  There was so much wrong, and the hits just kept coming.  I feared I'd never be able to rise above it. 

What happens when "here" and "now" aren't much to your liking?  When a heart rending Grief takes hold and won't let you go anywhere but to the bottom of the well?  I was so afraid of what I'd find that Grief had to take me kicking and screaming.  Yet believe me when I say there comes a time when surrender is your only option.  I surrendered...I let go of everything and everyone...

...and wept, and wept...and wept...

and I found, at the bottom of the well....Hope.  In the dark, cold, barren rock at the bottom of that well was a tiny spring from the waters of Life, now slowly filling up what I had just emptied.  Waters that would eventually carry me back up to the surface, and to the light of day once again.  I am here.  I am thankful.

What I find amazing, and kind of amusing, is I am pretty much in the same position that I was in when I fell, but now my viewpoint is different.  I am changed.  I have been reformed in some way.  Now I see what I can do, as opposed to what I can't.  I can see what I have to offer, as opposed to seeing that I don't have anything to contribute.  I see what I have, as opposed to what I have not.  Everywhere I look I see potential and possibility.  I find myself drinking it in, this creative vibration that is everywhere present.  And in that light, in that life giving, and life enhancing water,

I begin...right here...right now.

I am here.